Close As Two Friends Can Be
by SSMcPriceley
Summary: The story of how the 5th grade Elder McKinley fell for Steve Blade and the changes this made in his life from the ages of 10-19.
1. Chapter 1

"Can I sit here?"

Steve looked up surprised to see who had spoken to him in such a cheery tone. He always ate lunch by himself, everyone knew that. His eyes met sparkling blue ones that belonged to a red headed boy with a goofy smile.

"No" He replied a little too quickly without thinking.

"Ok then" The other boy bounded away to find another more accepting table where he placed his tray down.

Steve ran his fingers coolly through his sandy hair. He didn't care that someone else wanted to sit with him. Not really. He was above all that and anyone who cared about their lunch money knew. Still he couldn't help sneaking a glance at the boy who was sitting a few tables away. He was now chatting animatedly to a table full of drama geeks. Steve sneered and went back to his sandwich.

The next day Steve returned to his usual spot and was about to take a bite of his apple when the same boy came up to him.

"Can I sit here?" He asked with the same goofy smile.

"No" Steve said again, but this time a little more slowly. He noticed that some of those sitting near him had paused their lunches to see how Steve Blade was going to handle this interaction. "No" He repeated, "I like to eat alone" and he went back to eating his apple, signifying the conversation was over. He looked up a few minutes later to find the boy sitting with the same group as yesterday.

Steve shouldn't have been surprised as he was when the next day he was asked the same question.

"Can I sit here?"

Steve's curiosity had gotten the better of him. "Who the hell are you?"

The boys eyes widened. "Mommy says you must never use that word. The Lord doesn't like it"

"Oh yeah?" Steve raised an eyebrow at the boy who was now nodding profusely.

"My name's Connor" The boy said, his smile spreading wider.

"Good for you" Steve said uninterestedly going back to his apple and ignoring the hand that was outstretched towards him.

"I'm new" Connor said, still beaming.

"I figured"

Connor opened and closed his mouth a few times trying to find something to continue their conversation. Steve looked over to the table Connor usually sat at to find all its occupants staring at the scene unfold.

"Do you want something?"

"I just wondered if I could sit here" Connor eagerly replied perching his tray on the edge of the table ready to sit down.

"Well you can't, I like my privacy"

"Oh" Steve watched the smile falter for the first time and followed Connor with his eyes as he sat down in his usual place. Who was this kid? And what did he want? Steve was really hoping he was going to be able to eat his lunch in peace the next day but as he approached his table his heart sunk. Connor was already sitting there waiting expectantly.

"What do you want?"

"Do you want to sit with me?"

"No" He looked around the tables closest to him where he could swear people were spreading out more and closing up the gaps. He sighed and placed his tray down opposite Connor.

"What's your name?"

"Steve"

"Steve? I like that name" Connor beamed. Steve kept his head down and finished his lunch in silence consciously aware that he was being scrutinised. He finished quickly and left the cafeteria with as much dignity as he could feeling many eyes on his back.

He moved quickly through the halls and stopped outside his locker. He opened it and stuck his head in, away from the noise outside, and let out a long breath. Connor's shiny blue eyes and tousled red hair seemed to have burned their way onto his eyes and as hard as he tried he couldn't shake that smile from his memory.

Nobody ever wanted to talk to him. Ever. He was the school bully and he was proud of that title. He could effortlessly walk down a hallway at a busy time and not be pushed or bumped into at all. He liked the way that boys and girls moved away from him, always leaving a spare seat at the back for him.

And then along came this new kid who didn't know how the rules worked. Well Steve would just have to show him then.

Steve put on what he thought was his most charming smile at lunch the next day as Connor approached. "Can I sit-"

"Yes please!" Steve pre-empted enthusiastically clearing a space for Connor to put dpwn his tray. Connor hesitated for a split second then joyously sat next to him.

Steve wasn't used to having conversations with other boys his age, so he just stared down at his mac n cheese hoping Connor would say something.

"You have such pretty eyes"

Ok so he wasn't expecting that. He looked up to see Connor staring intently at him. "Oh yeah?" he smiled nervously, feeling just a little bit flattered.

"They're so green!" Connor enthused before giggling shyly and burying his head in his salad. Steve could see the blush clearly spreading across his cheeks.

"Thanks I guess" He said not really knowing how to react, "Umm…yours are so blue?"

"They are?" Connor's face lit up in a way that to Steve made him look sort of…beautiful? No that wasn't the right word. He wasn't sure how to describe it but it made him feel strangely giddy and uneasy at the same time. Steve shook himself internally, he was meant to be making Connor learn who's boss around here.

"Listen, uh, you wanna meet up sometime? Just to uh, hang out or something?"

Connor's smile spread wider. "When?"

"Tomorrow recess? I'll meet you behind the bushes with the blue flowers on them, down by the side of the science labs"

"But we aren't supposed to go there" Connor said quietly.

"Well I am"

"Really? Why?" Connor asked his voice full of unearned admiration for Steve.

"Uh, I have a special pass. Anyway" he said before his lie got too out of hand, "I'll see you there"

He gave Connor a small smile and then left the room a trail of gazes following him.

* * *

"Have you made any new friends dear?" Mrs McKinley asked her son as she served him up some funeral potatoes.

"Yes his name's Steve and I love him"

"That's nice dear" she went to the bottom of the stairs and called up, "Ruth! Debbie! Anna! Rachel! Eliza! Scott! Dinner!"

Connor's five sisters and his father came traipsing into the room one by one. Connor was the youngest of six and he enjoyed it immensely. His mother had been longing for a boy ever since the first girl arrived and he was constantly reminded of the pride he would bring to his family when he went on his mission.

"How's school going son?" his father asked through mouthfuls of meat.

"I really like it there dad"

"Have you joined a team yet?"

"Yes!" Connor beamed, "I'm in the drama club"

Mr McKinley frowned down the table. "I meant a proper team, like football or soccer"

"But I don't play sport dad"

"Of course you do! The McKinley's have a proud line of linebackers running through them"

"Let the boy do what he wants Scott" Connor's mother said, offering him the bowl of potatoes, "You said you made a friend Connor? What's his name?"

"I told you, his name's Steve and I love him"

"You can't love him" Ruth said looking at her baby brother dismissively.

"Why not?"

"Because he's a boy" Debbie stuck her tongue out from across the table and Connor kicked her, "Ouch! Mom Connor kicked me!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"You said I couldn't love Steve! Mom I do, I love him and he's my best friend"

"That's very nice dear, but you can't go kicking your sisters" She said gently, "Now in your prayers this evening you must pray especially for god's forgiveness and you must hope he grants it"

"Yes mom"

"And you must do the dishes tonight"

"But mom it's Eliza's turn!"

"Eliza hasn't sinned today, but you have" she said calmly but firmly.

Connor looked back to his food, suddenly losing all appetite as he began to push strands of spaghetti around on his plate. He cleared the table and went into the kitchen to soak the dishes while his sisters went upstairs leaving his parents alone in the dining room.

Connor didn't mind doing the dishes that badly. It meant he could play with the soap bubbles and make himself a shiny beard with it. He could hear the faint sounds of his parents talking in the next room, but he was too busy watching the pink soap suds to pay attention.

* * *

"It's nothing to worry about"

"I don't know about that Mary. Do you remember the Michaels?"

"Of course I do"

"I bet they didn't think it was anything to worry about either"

"It was completely different with the Michaels. He was very clearly one of…them"

"Fashion design isn't so far away from drama club"

"It's just a hobby. He's ten years old for goodness sakes!"

"I can't deal with a scandal Mary, I don't want this to become like that Church incident"

"That wasn't the parent's fault! They had a problem child, everyone knows that"

"_We_ know that because they're our friends, but other people. Well they'll make their own minds up, start rumours and the next thing we know? We're social outcasts and the only household that invites us in are the Cunningham's"

* * *

"Hi Steve"

Steve jumped at the sound of Connor's voice. He was a little bit tense, even the school rebel had to be a bit careful when sneaking around where they shouldn't be. Connor was smiling brightly as he sat down cross legged on the grass.

"This is a nice place"

Steve nodded looking between the flowers on the bushes and the boy seated in front of them. He became uncomfortably aware that the flowers matched the blue in Connor's eyes. No. He steeled himself. He was here for a reason and that reason was to teach this boy a lesson.

"The thing is Connor" He took a deep breath, "The thing is, people don't usually talk to me. They don't like me"

"I like you"

"Yeah I know, but the thing is you shouldn't"

"Why?"

"I'll show you why. Close your eyes"

Connor obediently closed his eyes. A split second later he gasped in pain as he felt a fist connect with his face. He reached up with both hands to his nose where he felt something wet there. His eyes filled with tears as he struggled to see Steve through them, his hands still clenched.

"W-w-w-wha-what was that for?" He murmured through the tears. Steve was looking from his hands to Connor's tear and blood stained face unable to speak. Then he scrambled to his feet and ran away, stumbling as he went.

* * *

Connor appeared before him at lunch later that day. Steve never looked up but he could feel Connor's presence standing over him. He didn't want to meet his eye, maybe if he stared at his lasagne long enough the shadow would disappear.

"Oi McKinley!" He heard a voice behind him say. He turned around to see a group of boys a few years above grinning with mirth as they looked over. "Decorating your face are you?" He heard a group of laughs from behind him and some of the surrounding tables as well.

Steve brought himself to meet Connor's gaze. There was the faintest half smile on his face but it was hidden by a large band aid concealing his nose. His eyes were also brimming and his cheeks noticeably wet.

The laughs had made their way closer to their table and Steve twitched uncomfortably. "Who did it then McKinley? I want to give him a medal"

Steve met Connor's eyes for a fraction of a second.

"I tripped" he said simply.

Steve couldn't tell if Connor was doing him a favour or not. He definitely wasn't grassing him out but, there was no reason he should be hiding this from these boys.

"It makes you look pretty McKinley" Connor's bottom lip trembled and he struggled to not whimper.

"Yeah!" The boys joined in the agreement and further laughter. It made the hair on the back of Steve's head stand on end. The leader, was advancing and was pretty much in Connor's face now. Steve didn't like this at all. Not least because of all the attention they were attracting.

"Aww look he's crying. Poor baby!"

The boys had circled Connor now and Steve could no longer see him, but he could still hear him. The sniffles that floated out from the group made him feel sick and also guilty because he knew this taunting would not have happened if he hadn't put that bandage there.

"Leave him alone" His voice was so soft and small that he couldn't even remember if he'd said it at all. Either way it made no difference to the gang so he tried again. "I said leave him alone!"

There was a silence punctuated only by the occasional soft sniff from Connor. The group rounded on him and the last thing he remembered was the expression on Connor's face. He couldn't quite work out what it meant. Surprise? Admiration? Hope? Before he got a good look the world around him went black.

* * *

He woke up in a nurses office, staring up at a poster that advertised Crest toothpaste for a healthy smile. He moaned as he felt a pain directly on his face like cotton wool mixed with needles was being pressed there.

He was vaguely aware of another person in the room with him. He also became aware that that person was softly stroking his hair. He closed his eyes, frowning as a wave of pain came over him, before he managed to open his them. He might have guessed. Connor McKinley was smiling down at him, softly working through his hair. He surprised himself by not getting him to stop.

"Ahh Steve you're awake" A young nurse entered carrying a small dressing. "Now sit still while I fix this up"

Steve winced as a bandage was wrapped round the bridge of his nose not realising he was gripping Connor's hand the whole time.

"Now I won't ask questions, I know what you boys are like, but you must be more careful. You're lucky they didn't do any more serious damage" She smiled kindly at him, "This will heal in no time but you must leave the dressing on for a week and don't pick at it"

Steve groaned, a whole week with this thing on his face, it would be torture. How was he ever going to explain this to his mom?

As if reading his mind, the nurse handed him a small envelope. "Here's a letter to your parents explaining how to care for the dressing" She finished fixing the bandage, "There, all done. You look like twins!"

Steve looked up at the identical bandage staring at him from Connor's face. He resisted the urge to punch him again, just for having that impenetrable smile consistently planted there.

* * *

"What have I told you about fighting dear?"

"I wasn't fighting, I told you, I tripped" Connor was fiddling with his fork, trying not to meet his mother's disapproving gaze. She sighed and smiled sadly at him.

"You may think you know more than me Connor, but I'm sorry to say that it's simply not true. I know a fight when I see one"

"Mom I wasn't fighting!" Connor protested more urgently now.

"You know what the Lord thinks about lying don't you Connor?"

Connor nodded slowly into his plate.

"Tonight you must pray to Heavenly Father asking for his forgiveness for violence and lying"

"Yes mother" Connor said meekly, carrying his plate to the sink.

"Oh and Connor? Your father wants a word before bedtime"

Connor dropped off his plate and then went into the living room where he found his father reading the paper.

"Dad?"

"Oh yes son, how was school?"

"Ok I guess, I tripped" he pointed to his nose.

His father smiled grimly. "Yes your mother told me. Sit down Connor I want to talk to you"

Connor sat in the chair next to his father. It was much too big for him and he sunk down low into it, having to lift his arms high to reach the arm rests.

"Well it's good to see you got into your first fight. Now your mother will tell you the Lord disapproves of fighting but, personally I think a healthy spat here and there is character building. Don't you agree son?"

"I wasn't fighting, I tripped"

"You're not in trouble son, but one thing I would tell you. You need to defend yourself, you can't just sit there and get punched"

"Yes father, I'll remember that for if I ever get in a fight. Which I didn't today. Because I tripped"

"Don't get smart with me young man, I'm just giving you some healthy advice. Anyway, I want to talk to you about something else"

Connor looked at his father expectantly, silently racking his brains for the memory of anything he'd done wrong.

"Now Connor, can you tell me the main difference between your new school and your old school?"

Connor thought hard for a few seconds before confidently replying. "This one's in Utah and the old one was in Colorado"

"Well yes but there's a more important difference"

"There's a drama club at this one?"

Mr McKinley shifted awkwardly in his chair shaking his head. "No. It's more about the people at your new school. What's different about them?"

"Steve is here" Connor smiled assuredly, looking to his father for some kind of recognition.

"No no…no" He was beginning to think the conversation was a bad idea already, "You may or may not have noticed Connor but at your new school there are girls. And the thing about girls, well you see, the thing about girls…" Mr McKinley proceeded to tell his son the thing about girls for a full hour. Connor listened obediently, understanding some parts and being thoroughly confused by others.

When he was finished he went back to his paper and motioned for Connor to leave. As Connor reached the door he turned back with his signature asymmetrical grin. "You don't have to worry about any of that stuff dad"

Mr McKinley raised his eyebrows and smiled slightly. "And why's that?"

"Because I don't feel that way about any of the girls at school. I like Steve instead"

His father froze but for his fists which were now clenched and shaking around his paper. "Son if that's true" he said in a strained voice, "Then you are on the right road to Hell"

Connor blanched. He hated having to hear about Hell especially when it was his father talking. They showed pictures and told stories about it at Sunday school. The reason they went to church every week was to avoid going there and even that wasn't enough. Connor was taught that God was constantly watching so you must never try to slip anything past him.

Connor looked at his father who now had his eyes fixed on a spot on the wall slightly to the left and then sprinted from the room. Once there he fell to his knees and began his prayers fervently. His usual half hour session was extended to over an hour. He felt his knees grow sore and his arms ache but he carried on praying until he'd confessed to God nearly every thought he'd had that day, sin or not.

He climbed into bed still shaking slightly and drew his favourite stuffed animal towards him tightly. Little did Mr McKinley realise, but that talk and those words had sparked a new chapter in Connor's life. A chapter that began with the hell dreams, the first of which was going to happen tonight,


	2. Chapter 2

Connor felt a burning sensation sear through his back. He opened his eyes to find himself in a fiery cavern with a black expanse instead of a ceiling stretching out above him. He scrambled to his feet gripping tightly to his stuffed giraffe, his eyes darting round in fear at the empty furnace.

He'd seen the pictures, he'd heard the stories, but nothing anybody said could have prepared him for his first visit to hell. His bare feet felt painful as they made contact with the red hot floor and beads of sweat were forming on his forehead.

Connor jumped as he heard a sudden cackling behind him and spun around to see where the noise was coming from. He was so confused, just moments before he'd been safe in his bed but now he was surrounded by jets of fire. A terrifying face appeared before him and he screamed as a skeletal figure came close into his face.

The demon raised a finger to its lips and all sounds stopped coming from Connor's open and screaming mouth. The demon sneered and Connor watched in horror as fire came out of its hands and disintegrated the giraffe that had been acting as his safety net.

Connor now felt vulnerable and extremely frightened, he shut his eyes tight willing for the horrible vision to disappear. He could feel the heat so close to his face, singing the ends of his hair. Tears escaped from beneath his eyelids and he shuddered in fear as he heard more and more demons laughing. Laughing at his pain.

The next thing Connor knew he could hear himself screaming again and the demon's hands were on him and they were forcing him down and down and down. He snapped his eyes open and came face to face with his mother. He stopped screaming abruptly and looked around.

He was safe in his own bed, there was his giraffe next to him and there was sun and early morning light streaming through the window. His mother was gently stroking his hair and making soothing shhing sounds. He was breathing heavily but he felt calm.

"Did you have a bad dream sweetie?" she said softly. Connor nodded finding comfort in her concerned eyes.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Connor shook his head and fixed his gaze on the ceiling. He felt churned up inside as he vividly remembered the nightmare from moments before. His mother smiled reassuringly at him. "It's ok honey, you can tell me"

"I was…I was…" Connor whispered quietly causing his mother to lean in closer to him, "I was in hell".

His mother's lips suddenly pursed slightly and she stopped stroking his hair. Connor felt his voice crack as he tried to keep talking. "I was so scared mom, there were demons and fire and-"

"That's enough!" his mother's eyes were suddenly sharp with intensity for a few seconds before she relapsed and drew her son close to her. She allowed him to cry into her shoulder as she rubbed circles into his back. She kissed his soft hair and whispered 'there there' her eyes closed and her brow furrowed.

"You need to get ready for school or you'll miss the bus" she said simply in an unreadable tone before leaving Connor alone.

* * *

"It was just a little nightmare" Mrs McKinley said while laying some eggs on her husband's plate, "Absolutely nothing to worry about"

"It was a Hell dream"

"We can't be certain" she said leaning forward so her hair concealed her face, she didn't want him to see her just now.

"From what you said it sounded like a Hell dream to me"

"Either way it doesn't mean anything"

"It means he's displeased Heavenly Father"

"Or thinks he has"

"Either way, the boy's guilty about something and we need to find out what"

"It's probably nothing"

"Was it nothing when Ruth had a Hell dream and then the next day a $20 bill mysteriously found its way back to my wallet? It may be nothing to worry about but the thing is it's something and I'm determined to find out what"

"Hello sweetie, what would you like for breakfast?" Connor was dressed for school carrying his rucksack and waiting in the doorway. He was wondering how long it would take before his parents would notice he was there.

He quietly shook his head, holding on tight to the straps of his pink rucksack.

"How about pancakes?" she asked smiling but receiving no answer, "Connor dear, I'm trying but there's only so much patience I can give you. You had a bad dream but it's morning now and you need breakfast so you can concentrate at school"

Connor silently allowed her to serve him a stack of pancakes which he obediently worked his way through. She bustled him out on to the curb and left him there to wait for the bus.

Connor's stop was one of the last on the bus route so he always had the unfortunate task of asking someone to move over so he could sit. The bus pulled up beside him and he took a quick scan to find a free seat. As usual there were no doubles left.

He was about to ask a girl in his year to move over when he spotted a familiar shock of sandy hair.

He heart sped up a little as he made eye contact and he gave an awkward half wave. He was almost expecting Steve to ignore him so he was surprised when the boy gestured for him to sit with him.

Connor beamed at Steve resting his rucksack on his knees. "Hi"

"Hey" Steve replied nervously, "Umm, you look terrible did you know that?"

Connor realised he must do. He still had a dressing covering half his face and a bruise was spreading out from beneath it, but Steve was probably noticing the dark circles under his eyes signifying hardly any sleep.

"So do you" Connor replied light heartedly referring to the bigger bandage that graced Steve's face, "I just didn't sleep well last night is all"

"Uh ok, I just wanted to talk to you"

"For real this time?"

Steve smiled guiltily at the optimistic expression on Connor's face. "Uh yeah, for real this time. I just wanted to say sorry for, you know…" He trailed off struggling to find the words.

"It's ok, I know you didn't mean to"

"No that's the thing, I did. I did mean to. I wanted to hurt you but now…I feel terrible"

Connor shrugged. "We all make mistakes"

"You're seriously going to forgive me just like that?" Steve scrutinised Connor closely, it would be hard to find a single bad vein in the boy's gentle body.

"I don't want you to feel bad"

"Why? Everybody wants to make me feel bad"

"I like you"

"But why?" Steve insisted, "Nobody likes me. No one!"

"I do"

Steve felt like hitting him again, he was just so infuriating. He avoided his gaze by staring out the window until they reached school.

"I'll see you in French" Connor said cheerily.

"You're in my French class"

"Yeah, I sit up front, you should join me"

"No I don't think so"

"Why not?"

"I like to distance myself from teachers"

Connor smiled anyway. "I guess I'll see you at lunch then. Same place huh?" he grinned then winced at the pain it caused in his nose. A pang of guilt went through Steve as he remembered vividly the actions which caused it.

* * *

"Pop quiz!"

Steve joined the class in groaning as their teacher Madame Ashbeck went round distributing paper.

"Just a quick vocab test" She said brightly, ignoring the protests that were coming her way. "I'll be easy on you, we'll do French into English.

Like that would make much difference Steve thought. He could never do French and he always failed these things. He didn't see the point in even studying, he didn't want to go to France.

As he expected, Steve couldn't remember a single word that Madame Ashbeck was reading out to the class. It sounded like she was speaking in tongues. She collected in the papers and then set them to do a brief translation before she handed back the tests.

"Disappointing Steve, please pay attention when we go through the answers"

Steve watched her move back behind her desk, noticing some familiar red hair near the front as she passed. He stared at the back of the head, it had to be Connor, it couldn't be anyone else. He tried to remember noticing him there before in the last week.

"A near perfect score Connor!" Steve rolled his eyes as he saw his teacher pass Connor's paper back, "Listen up for the word you missed ok?"

Madame Ashbeck asked Connor to read through the list of words pausing to let those who'd made mistakes write them down. He reached a spot about half way down the list and stopped.

"This is the one I got wrong miss" He looked up expectantly.

"Lets hand it over to the class then shall we? Number seven, amour. Anyone? Don't make me pick"

There were a few titters from the girls but the class remained silent. "James? Would you like to take a guess?"

"Er…hope?" he guessed vaguely.

"Kevin what about you?"

"Cheese?" he tried. A ripple of laughter passed across the room causing their teacher to frown.

"You don't always have to spend your time trying to amuse everybody Kevin. Surely someone must know? We only did this last week!"

Steve squinted at the board reading the word over and over in his head. Amour amour amour. He was sure it looked familiar.

"Love?" He hazarded quietly. Madame Ashbeck raised her eyebrows at him and he sunk a bit lower in his chair. He should've just stayed quiet.

"What was that Steve?"

"Um…I think it's love?" He said uncertainly, catching Connor's eye as he said it. Connor smiled back at him and he felt a strange sense of…pride? Was that it? Whatever it was the sensation was new, he found himself caring that he got this word right, maybe just for Connor's sake.

"That's correct Steve. Well done" she spoke slowly as if still not quite believing it, "If you didn't get love you better all copy that down"

The lesson carried on uneventfully and Steve was glad for the bell despite his new found French talent, which he wasn't sure would roll over into his next period of French.

His next lesson was maths so he could definitely afford to be late, he strolled leisurely through the hall swinging his backpack smiling at himself. For the first time he'd answered a question right in French. He didn't really care though, right? He stopped walking for a moment. Love? What kind of a boy knew the word for love? Apparently him.

He shook it off thinking it must have gone into his head the previous week while he was day dreaming. Or maybe it was in a movie. He was about to set off again with a renewed assuredness when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"I know I'm late I was just…oh Connor hi"

"Hi"

"Hi"

"Hi?"

"What do you want Connor?"

"Oh I have maths and I can't remember where it is. Can you show me?"

Did he really have all these classes with Connor? How could he not have noticed? Then Steve remembered that all he did most classes was look out the window at the sprinklers. Still…

"Wait, have you been following me since we got out of French?"

Connor blushed and looked down in a vane attempt to hide it. "Sorry"

"Connor you can talk to me. I promise I won't punch you again"

Steve laughed awkwardly and Connor flinched. Steve tried to uncover what was going on behind those perpetually bright eyes and persistent smile but, all he could see were some shining blue eyes. He suddenly had a desire to find out everything about Connor. Everything he could and he didn't even understand why.

"Hey uh, Maths isn't really that important. Why don't we just go and hang out somewhere?"

"Please don't say behind the science labs, I don't have too many happy memories of that place" He laughed softly.

"No no" Steve returned the laugh almost reluctantly, "And uh sorry again about…"

"It's fine, trust me"

"Ok, sure" Steve led Connor outside to the place where they had recess and the pair perched on a set of swings, "They can't see us from this angle, we'll be safe unless someone comes looking"

Connor nodded and Steve was almost alarmed at the complete amount of trust Connor gave him. They both twisted round, their feet scuffing the dust while Steve thought of something to say.

"So…you're new here right?"

"Just moved. Colorado"

"How come?"

"My parents wanted to be closer to people of our religion"

"What are you?"

"Mormon"

Steve snorted. "That crazy polygamist cult?"

Connor stopped swinging and turned to Steve with a serious expression. Steve stopped as well looking at him surprise.

"Sorry, I didn't mean-"

"It's everything I know"

"Seriously?"

Connor nodded profusely. "Yes, and when I'm nineteen I get to go on a mission and let everybody else know too"

"Why don't you start right now?"

"What?"

"Tell me about it. Go on. Convince me to become a Mormon"

Connor gave Steve a side eye realising that he wasn't being completely serious but willing to play along anyway.

"Ok well there's this guy called Joseph Smith and he was visited by this angel Moroni"

"Wait, the angel's name was moron?"

"Moroni" Connor repeated patiently.

"Ok carry on"

"Moroni told Joseph Smith to dig up these plates made of gold-"

"Boooooring!"

"It's not boring, my mom used to tell me these stories before I went to bed"

"So they sent you to sleep?"

"That's not what I meant"

"Do you want to hear about my religion Connor?"

"Yes please"

Steve looked to the sky and gestured to it dramatically. "You see that? Sky. That's it. No God. Just sky"

"I don't understand. How can you not believe in God?"

"I have my reasons. I don't question your religion, don't question mine"

Connor kicked up some dirt with his feet and then began swinging slowly. "Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think we'll get in trouble?"

"Probably"

"Do you care?"

"Not really. Do you?"

"Not if you don't"

Connor felt a drop of rain fall squarely on his head and he looked up to the sky as more droplets began to fall.

"We should go back inside" Connor leapt off the swing and started to make his way back round to the school entrance.

"No!" Steve ran after him and pulled him back, "Someone will see us"

The rain was getting heavier and both of them now had their hair plastered to their foreheads by the down pour.

"We'll get wet"

"Then we'll find some shelter" Steve said desperately.

"Where?" Connor could only see an expanse of playing fields and buildings. It was now clear that this was no light shower. Their clothes were quickly becoming soaked and it was already becoming hard to make out objects a few feet away.

"There's a store shed where they keep the baseball gear, come on!" Steve began to sprint away in the direction of the playing field leaving Connor disorientated behind.

"Steve! I can't see, where are you?"

Steve emerged through the rain again, grabbed Connor's hand and dragged him towards the shed. "Keep up!" he shouted above the noise of the thunder that was beginning to break overhead.

They stumbled their way into the shed, which thankfully was unlocked and collapsed onto the floor against the door.

"You ok?" Steve asked Connor noticing the boy's heavy breathing.

"Yeah I'm fine" he managed in between breaths.

"So as we were saying" he grinned at Connor who joined in the laughter.

"Do you want me to carry on talking about Mormons?"

"No no lets leave that for another time. Tell me about you"

"I'm not a very interesting person" he smiled shyly avoiding Steve's gaze.

"I think you are and I want to hear it from you" Steve squeezed Connor's hand encouragingly then immediately retracted it as he realised he was still holding it from their run in the rain.

"I like to dance"

"You dance?"

"Yeah, tap mostly"

"You should show me sometime"

"I'm not very good"

"Listen, if you're going to keep saying how you're not good at something or not worth half the things you do, I might have to stop being your friend"

"You're my friend?"

"Hey we just skipped class together, I think that makes you my friend"

Steve looked at Connor almost certain he could see a few tears brimming there and he didn't want to be left with the boy crying. "So drama club huh? Is that…fun?"

"Yeah, it's a place where I can be myself"

"What show are you doing?" Steve was trying to remain interested. The truth was he tried to steer clear of those drama geeks as much as possible.

"We're doing A Midsummer Night's Dream, they haven't cast it yet but I'm hoping I'll get a fairy or something"

"A fairy?"

"Oh they're not that kind of fairy, they're different, not the sparkly wand waving fairies most people think about. It's hard to explain, maybe you could come and see the show? I know it's a long time off"

"I'll come if you're in it" Steve wasn't sure where these strangely comforting words were coming from, or why Connor seemed to ease them out of him. All he knew was that he now desperately wanted Connor to be cast in this stupid show so that he could go and watch him in it.

Connor told Steve about his family and all his sisters. Steve told Connor how he was an only child. Connor told Steve about his life in Colorado, about his Mormonism, but not too much, and his passion for forties cinema and fashion. Steve told Connor how his dad pretty much left him to do his own thing so he spent a lot of time sitting in trees in a small wood near where he lived.

Connor thought Steve's life sounded almost perfect, Steve thought Connor's life sounded almost perfect. They talked for ages neither of them noticing the time or realising that the rain had stopped pounding on the roof of the small shed.


	3. Chapter 3

"Shouldn't he be home by now?"

Mr McKinley sighed at his wife's agitation. She'd been staring out the window for half an hour waiting for their son to arrive home.

"There's probably traffic or something."

Mrs McKinley nodded and allowed her husband to take her hand. "I suppose you're right. You can't blame me for worrying though."

"Sometimes I think you worry too much. Look there's the bus now."

Mrs McKinley breathed a sigh of relief as they watched the yellow school bus approach. The door opened, a few children got off and then the bus carried on again. No Connor.

"Scott?"

"Don't panic."

"Scott?" Mrs McKinley's lip was trembling and she was on the verge of crying. She jumped at the sound of the phone ringing from the other room.

"I'll get it." Mr McKinley layed his hand comfortingly on his wife's shoulder and then left the room to answer.

"Hello? Yes this is the McKinleys…oh…I see…we'll be right over…no don't you worry I'll make sure he's punished." Mr McKinley was gripping the phone speaking through clenched teeth, "About fifteen minutes…thank you very much…goodbye." He slammed the phone down onto the receiver. Mrs McKinley looked at him expectantly.

"It was his school. Apparently our son has become a truant."

"What? Not Connor surely."

"He skipped his afternoon classes hiding in a storage shed and then came back inside after school had finished."

"But why?"

"They want us to go and pick him up and have a meeting with the councillor while we're there."

"Now?"

"Yes now."

The pair wordlessly got into the car and Mr McKinley began to drive at a reckless speed towards the school. His hands shook as he angrily gripped the steering wheel working through phrases in his mind he was going to say to his son.

* * *

Steve swung his legs absent mindedly glancing around at the posters in the councillors office. He'd been here so many times he could easily recite the slogans but, this time was different, he wasn't alone.

He turned his head an inch to see Connor's face. His eyes were red and he was sniffling quietly. Steve wished he'd shut up.

"Do you realise how serious this is?"

The councillor was met with silence as Steve just shrugged, Connor began to sob softly.

"We had no idea where you were. What if there had been a fire?"

Connor was fiddling with his shoe laces in an attempt to miss the councillors gaze.

"I've called your parents."

Connor looked up at this news, he wiped his nose on his sleeve and tried to speak. "Please don't tell my dad," he said desperately.

"I've just come off the phone with him, he's already on his way."

Connor could hear the footsteps from down the hall and he held tight to his chair in dreaded anticipation. The door burst open and his father entered in a rage, his mother following closely behind.

"Connor! What do you think you are doing? You've completely embarrassed myself and your mother! I hope you are ashamed of yourself."

"Mr McKinley if you would please calm down so we can discuss your son-"

"Don't tell me what to do!"

"Scott please." Mrs McKinley tried placating wretchedly. Mr McKinley stopped shouting but he was still breathing very heavily, his fists clenched.

"I'm sorry dad."

"Don't you sorry me. I am so angry right now."

"Connor, tonight you must ask Heavenly Father's forgiveness."

Connor nodded meekly. It seemed his mother was always telling him to pray for God's forgiveness.

Connor's father had been fuming so much he hadn't noticed the other boy in the room. Steve was watching the events unfold with a vague interest but mostly he was thinking about his own parents. Where was his father? Would he come? Had he even answered the phone?

"Why did you do it Connor?" Mrs McKinley implored.

"It was my fault."

"Who is this?" Mr McKinley said too loudly for the small confines of the room.

"This is Steve dad."

"Oh so this is Steve. I wouldn't mind a word with your parents young man. Where are they?" He directed the question aggressively towards the councillor.

"Unfortunately we haven't managed to make it through to Mr Blade yet. When I finish my work here I was going to find someone to drop him home."

"Where do you live dear?" Mrs McKinley asked as kindly as she dared in front of her husband.

"Down the end of Ayers," Steve said sullenly.

"Well that's not too far out of the way for us, we'll drop you."

"Are you sure?" the councillor looked concerned to Mr McKinley who had clenched his fists tighter at his wife's suggestion.

"It's the least we can do after you've looked after them all this time."

* * *

"Is this it?" Mrs McKinley said over her shoulder as they reached the end of a road that had been getting steadily narrower over the course of a mile. It had been an incredibly awkward car journey. Neither Connor nor Steve dared say a word to each other and there was a heavy cloud of threat in the air as Connor visualised what would happen to him at home.

"Yeah, you can drop me here thanks."

Connor looked out the window at a tiny house, discoloured and overgrown, a derelict pick up truck in the yard.

"You live here?"

"Yep, just me and my dad."

"Where's your mother Steve?" Mr McKinley asked evenly holding tight to the steering wheel. Anyone who knew Scott McKinley well knew when he was in a bad mood and anyone who knew Scott McKinley would be keeping their distance at this point.

"She's not around anymore," Steve replied flatly.

"Did you hear that Mary? His mother's not around anymore," He side eyed his wife who just pursed her lips and looked down into her lap.

Steve let himself out and walked to the door without looking back. He rang the doorbell, waiting a few moments before trying the door to find it open.

"I wonder if that boy's accepted Jesus into his life." Mrs McKinley watched thoughtfully as the door swung vulnerably back on its hinges.

"I doubt it," Mr McKinley scorned. "And either way it's no concern of ours."

"Perhaps you could talk to him about Jesus Connor."

"No he couldn't, he will avoid that boy at all costs."

"He's allowed to talk to him about Jesus Scott."

"I don't want to talk to him about Jesus," Connor mumbled, fiddling with the straps on his rucksack.

The ride home was short but it felt like an eternity to Connor who was dreading their arrival, wondering if he'd survive a leap out the car if he jumped to freedom.

As soon as they'd crossed the threshold Mr McKinley took hold of his son's forearm. Connor winced as he felt nails dig into the soft skin.

"Connor it's my duty to punish you now, but I'm going to leave that job to God." Connor looked into his father's eyes with horror.

"Please don't dad."

"It's the best way."

"No please, you do it, I can't take another night."

"How long has it been going on for?"

"About a week."

"Ha!" The bitter laugh frightened Connor, "A week? I had months of hell dreams when I was your age."

"Why?"

"Never you mind. Now go say your prayers and straight to sleep."

Wracked with guilt and terrified of the night to come, Connor obeyed his father. But he didn't pray for forgiveness. He prayed for Steve.

* * *

Steve tiptoed into the hall careful not to alert his father to his presence. If he could make it up to his room without his father noticing he could pretend he'd been there the whole time.

Sure enough there was his father asleep on the couch, an empty pizza box on his lap, the tv flickering on his face. Once in his room he collapsed onto his bed.

Steve never cried. Hardly ever. When Connor had spoken to him about his perfect Mormon family, it had sounded like just that, perfect. But, on the car ride home he'd realised it wasn't at all. Connor's family was just as problematic as his family of two.

He'd watched Mrs McKinley closely and he hadn't been sure if he'd want a Mrs McKinley in his own life.

He thought about what Connor had said about religion. He didn't understand it. Maybe if God came and apologised for screwing his life up he'd believe in him and worship him.

"God?" he whispered experimentally to the ceiling, "Are you…there?"

He felt stupid and he wondered if Connor ever felt like he was talking to a brick wall as he prayed for an hour a day. Steve certainly did.

"Mom?" he tried instead. He listened for a split second then slumped down into his bed still wearing his clothes and closed his eyes.

"Mom?" his voice cracked, "Mom? I…I…" his voice gave way and he squeezed his eyes tight as a block against the inevitable tears and carried on in his head.

_Mom? I miss you. I miss you so much._


	4. Chapter 4

Steve nervously fiddled with the piece of paper in his lap. In the dark auditorium it was difficult to read but Connor had told him that his part wasn't until quite a bit into the play.

Steve didn't usually come to school plays. But he'd promised Connor he'd come to see him perform and who knew, maybe he could leave at intermission.

It was due to start in ten minutes and Steve was already restless. He had no idea what to expect. He also wished it would start soon because he was worried of people noticing him but also of people wanting to talk to him.

Then he'd have to explain why he was at this stupid play and the only thing he knew about it was that Connor was a fairy.

Connor was ten times more nervous than Steve. He stared at himself in the small dressing room mirror fiddling with a strand of hair that wouldn't stay in place.

Copious amounts of hair spray wouldn't fix it and he was being to worry. He wanted everything to be perfect for tonight. The night the school was watching him. The night Steve was watching him.

He used a bit more foundation to cover up the now very faint scar on the bridge of his nose. It also hid the paleness underneath the result of genes and terror.

"Places please"

Connor's heart gave a thump in his chest. He wasn't on for twenty minutes after curtain but he felt his pulse racing away. He couldn't remember his lines, he couldn't remember the blocking, he couldn't remember why he thought inviting Steve would be a good idea.

He closed his eyes, heavy with makeup and glitter, to take a few deep breaths.

'Relax Connor just relax, you've got this, you're good'

"Connor? Are you ok?"

Connor whipped round and opened his eyes at the voice prepared to give a natural confident smile.

"Yes thanks Kevin. What about you?"

"Yeah fine...um...good luck!"

Connor winced and tapped his shoulder.

"Please say break a leg Kevin"

"Oh yeah sorry. Break a leg and have a good show"

"Thanks you too, you make a great Lysander"

"Look I have to go but, I think you make a great Puck"

Connor smiled as Kevin disappeared into the darkness to find his place. Connor liked Kevin. Kevin was also a Mormon and a better one at that. People really seemed to like Kevin and Connor was lucky he was around as he didn't get as much trouble for being Mormon as he used to before Kevin stood up for him.

He looked at his mirror which was surrounded with cards mostly from fellow cast members and one surprisingly from his mom.

"Is it starting soon mom?"

"Yes dear" Mrs McKinley said to one of her daughters. They were sitting in a clump near the back of the auditorium, Mrs McKinley trying to keep an eye on all of them at once.

It would probably be easier if her husband was there to help her. But Scott McKinley had gradually turned more and more against Connor's involvement in A Midsummer Night's Dream after every rehearsal.

He'd been indifferent at the start. It all went downhill when he found out Connor was playing a fairy and not just any fairy but the lead fairy. It just wasn't right for a boy to be flitting about pretending to be a fairy. Or so he thought.

Mrs McKinley had suggested he read the play and maybe he'd feel better about it. It had unfortunately made things much worse.

"It's satanic!"

"It's not dad"

"Scott please, it's a high school play"

"I'm telling you it's satanic, all that black magic is too much"

"The fairies are good dad"

"Don't contradict me! On your own head be it but I'm not coming"

So Mrs McKinley had come by herself with Connor's excited sisters. She felt a little uneasy just the same but was willing to give Connor a chance.

The house lights dimmed. Mrs McKinley shushed her daughters, Steve continued to make his playbill more and more dogeared and Connor's breath caught in his throat.

The time to his entrance passed all to quickly and soon Connor was standing in the wings feeling like his heart would beat right out of him.

Steve was almost drifting off. He had no idea what was going on, he didn't understand what anyone was saying, everybody looked stupid and Connor still hadn't come on.

He wanted to leave but resolved to stay until Connor had at least had one scene, goodness knows when that would be. He stared up at the ceiling, the heads around him, the lights. He stopped focusing until he heard a voice clear in his head.

"How now spirit!"

Connor? Was that him?.

"Whither wander you?"

It was definitely him and he was positively glowing. He didn't say another line for a while but Steve was mesmerised by him just standing there.

He was dressed in a flowing green tunic and matching lose fitting leggings both decorated with ivy. The colour offset his red hair and Steve could just see blue glittery strands woven into it. He recognised that colour even from a distance. It was the same blue as Connor's eyes.

He managed to maintain an elegant balance on his bare tiptoes that made him look like he was hovering. This image was aided by the help of a set if spidery wings that perched on his back. "Thou speak'st aright, I am that merry wanderer of the night"

Connor's voice was strong despite his delicate appearance. Steve found himself leaning forward slightly to make sure he caught every word of Connor's performance.

He still didn't know what was going on, he still didn't understand the language but now that Connor was on stage it didn't matter so much. To Steve this play meant almost as much as did to Connor though not in the same way.

Steve had used the excuse of Connor having rehearsals to stay after school to walk him home. It was a reason to be out the house as long as possible and return as late as he could. He had spent nearly all his spare time with Connor running lines even though they made no sense and did little more than frustrate him. Because of this, these well meant sessions usually just turned into time spent together talking about other things.

Steve and Connor were friends. As close as two friends could be. A few months ago no one would've have believed it let alone thought Steve Blade could manage friendship at all. But here he was, watching a friend, his best friend, create magic before his eyes.

Steve was glad for the darkness, it meant he could blush in safety as he watched Connor dance gracefully about the stage. Almost as quickly as he'd come, he vanished and Steve had to wait in his ignorant void before he returned again.

The play finished too quickly for Steve but he was also grateful at the same time. He found it very straining to watch. He wasn't sure how loud he should clap for Connor but gave him a whistle anyway as he took centre stage and bowed almost balletically.

Connor beamed out at the seemingly neverending expanse of darkness which was filled with applause. For a split second it was all focused on him. All too soon he was being whisked off stage along with the cast, ecstatic after a surprisingly near perfect opening night. He spotted Kevin in the fray who gave him a thumbs up as he passed. He smiled back and followed the buzzing crowd to the dressing room.

Connor was lost in his ecstacy and had forgotten to change out of his costume. He felt alive, like he could be Puck forever if he wanted to.

Soon everyone was saying goodbyes, wishing a goodnight's sleep for the next night's performance and beginning to head home. Connor had only just begun to peel off his costume, seemingly pristine under the lights, sweaty and ragged up close.

"Switch the lights off when you leave ok Connor?" A voice on the other side of a costume rail said to him before the door closed and he was left alone.

He felt completely overwhelmed, strangely invincible and also had a desire to share this feeling with someone. He sort of knew who.

As if on queue the door swung tentatively open and Connor spun round to come face to face with Steve.

"Hi"

"Hi"

"Well done you were...really good..." Steve said shyly still clutching the cast list in both hands.

"Thanks!" Connor beamed, "Would you mind giving me a hand?"

Steve nodded and helped Connor untangle the blue strands from his hair. He worked carefully making sure not to tug.

"You're so orange! And...sparkly"

"I'd be a ghost under the lights otherwise"

"Really?"

"Yeah they'd wash me out"

"You really were great Connor" Steve said suddenly serious, "I mean it, the best out there tonight"

"Don't be silly, Arnold was so good as Bottom and Eric-"

"I don't care about them. I came to see you. And you were great"

Connor's face flushed though it was difficult to see through the stage make up.

"Now how do we get this makeup off you?"

Connor rummaged in his bag for some wipes and ran a couple over his face.

"You missed a few spots" Steve smiled slightly.

Connor scrubbed at his face laughing at the orange that came off onto his hands.

"You're still missing them, here let me" Steve took a wipe and gently rubbed it upon Connor's face until the patches were gone. He didn't realise how close he was as he was concentrating away from Connor's gaze. He flicked his eyes to Connor's when he was done, startled to see them so close, but neither of them moved away.

Connor giggled nervously then took a step backwards. "I'm glad you liked the show"

"Oh yeah the show, did you see me?"

"No I couldn't"

"You didn't even look?"

"You can't see with lights on you. Everything looks black"

"Oh, but you heard me right? I whistled"

"That was you?"

"Ha ha yeah. Look well done" Steve opened his arms for an uncharacteristic hug. He felt a little breath knocked out of him as Connor attached himself with more force than he was expecting. He willingly squeezed back.

Connor's elation spilled over until the next day as he remembered the joy of last night and looked forward to his next show. He spent all of lunch in a daze and was almost oblivious to Steve's questions.

"Connor! Connor! Are you even listening to me?"

"Huh what?"

"Never mind"

"No I was listening"

"What did I say then?"

"I can't remember"

Steve said nothing and turned back to his sandwich. He felt guilty for thinking it, but when Connor was done with the show it'd be back to him being the most important thing in his life.

"I was asking if there were any spare tickets for tonight's show"

"You want to come again?" Connor's heart swelled and he blushed a little.

"Well yeah, as long as I can. To be honest I have no idea what was going on. It's probably a good idea to see it again"

"I'll check but I think we're sold out" Connor looked at Steve curiously, "Will your dad mind anyway at such short notice?"

"He doesn't even know I was out last night" Steve shrugged pretending not to care.

"How did you get home?"

"I walked"

"In the dark all by yourself"

"Connor chill I'm a big boy"

"I don't care if there's no seats you can come, sit in my dressing room or the wings or something then I'll get my mom to drive you home"

"You really don't have to"

"Steve, you know I do"

Steve thought about arguing further but decided against it realising that Connor wouldn't change his mind. He was pretty sure Connor would do anything for him if he had the chance.

The bell rang signalling the end of lunch and their next lesson which was art. It was one of the few lessons that Connor didn't share with Steve and because of that reason it was one of his least favourites.

Anyone who knew Connor would find this surprising because Connor was an incredibly creative person. Connor often longed for Steve during art periods. Not because he couldn't last without him, he'd managed for ten years doing that, but it was because Steve stood up for Connor in art. His art class was filled with the type of people who didn't quite appreciate Connor's style.

Connor drew dancers. He was very skilled at it too. His favourite artist was Degas and he could briskly chalk a ballerina in under five minutes. His drawings were fluid and his paintings full of movement. Perhaps his classmates were jealous but it was more likely that Connor's delicate pictures of dancers and elegance were just a source of ridicule.

Connor sat on his stool twiddling a brush between his fingers staring at the bowel of fruit his teacher had placed before them. He looked disinterested at a bruised pear then used his palette to mix the perfect colour for it.

He hovered the end over his canvas but something was stopping him from making the mark. Something was coming from within him, something very strong telling him to paint a different image, one that was forming very quickly and clearly in his head.

An hour later, his art teacher requested they all walk around the room to view each other's progress. Connor felt strangely calm despite the fact that his painting wasn't the regulation fruit.

He watched as the class gathered round his painting looking at it oddly and then to him for an explanation.

Noticing the blockage around Connor's area his teacher moved over. She pursed her lips as she saw it.

"What is this supposed to be Connor?"

"It's my paradise planet" he replied serenely.

"Excuse me?" She said completely unimpressed by Connor's answer.

"It's my paradise planet" Connor repeated calmly.

"I heard what you said young man, what I meant was why haven't you drawn the fruit?"

"Does it matter?"

Connor found himself sitting opposite the school councillor, smiling brightly resting one hand lovingly on the incriminating painting.

"Now Connor, your teacher tells me you decided to go ahead and waste a canvas with your own drawing instead of the still life she set up. When she asked you why, you answered back. Would you care to explain?"

Connor nodded. "It's my paradise planet" he said for about the hundredth time that day for anyone who would listen.

"You're going to have to be a bit more specific. I'm afraid all I see is a desert island"

"I soon go to rest in the paradise of God, until my spirit and body shall again reunite and I am brought forth triumphant through the air""

"Is that Bible?"

"The Book of Mormon, Moroni, Chapter ten Verse thirty four"

"Oh of course you're Mormon aren't you Connor" the councillor suddenly understood, "Well would you like to explain to me how this paradise planet thing works for you?"

Connor cleared his throat and spoke a well rehearsed speech repeated many times during Sunday school. "At the second coming of the Lord and the beginning of the Latter Day all good Mormons shall reside in the first celestial plain and will be rewarded with their own planet created by God"

"Well that sounds very nice Connor" the councillor said in a borderline patronising tone, "But why is yours a desert island?"

Connor thought for a second unsure of how he should answer. "I dreamt about it once"

"Only once? And now you want to spend eternity there?"

"I don't have dreams anymore. Only nightmares" he whispered, "It was the night of my first night of school. It was the last night before I started to dream about...about...that place"

"What place Connor?"

Connor shook his head and looked down at his lap.

"Ok maybe later. Talk to me about your picture Connor" she probed gently.

"That's me" he pointed at a figure that was obviously him with well judged red hair and the faintest blue eyes, "I'm swimming"

"With this boy?" She pointed to the other figure in the painting, "Who's this then?"

Connor became suddenly mute and embarrassed. He fiddled with his thumbs avoiding her gaze.

"It's that Steve boy isn't it? Steve Blade? You stick together don't you?"

Connor nodded. The councillor furrowed her brow and thought for a moment before pressing her intercom.

"Would Steve Blade please report to the councillors office, thank you"

Connor became alarmed. "He can't see it!" He said panicked.

"Why not? I'm sure he'd love to see himself in your painting"

"But not like this!" Connor protested urgently, ideas running through his head over how he could hide the image.

"Connor I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to answer me truthfully ok?" Connor just stared back wide eyed but she took it as a yes, "Be honest with me. You've drawn yourself and Steve without any clothes haven't you?"

Connor nodded.

"And that's why you don't want him to see?"

Connor nodded again and the councillor sighed heavily through her nose.

"Ok, now Connor, why have you drawn yourself and your best friend naked in this painting?"

"No one wears clothes in heaven" he said quietly.

The councillor massaged her temple with her thumb and forefinger. Most of the staff thought Connor was a quiet but pleasant boy, he hardly ever caused trouble. In fact he was a blessing as he'd seemed to placate Steve Blade just a little. But sometimes she wondered if there was more to Connor McKinley that met the eye. Something bubbling just beneath the surface waiting to emerge.

Just then the door opened and in walked Steve, looking pretty pleased with himself.

"Hey Connor!"

Connor couldn't help smiling at the secure presence of his best friend.

"Hi Steve"

"Thanks for getting me out of class"

"No problem"

"Boys boys! There are more serious issues. Connor would you like to tell Steve why you're here?"

"Not really"

Steve grinned at Connor as he came to sit next to him on another chair facing the desk. Connor didn't even think about trying to cover the painting until it was too late.

"Did you do that? Wow Connor that's amazing! Wait...is that us? Are we...? Are we swimming...?"

Connor winced just a little and silently appealed to the councillor for help.

"Connor, that's...that's...so good. That one's me right? And that one's you, I can tell by the hair"

Connor was relaxing more and more in his chair still wondering if Steve had noticed the one slightly off detail about the painting.

"They wanted me to draw fruit" Connor said apologetically.

"This is better" Steve said firmly, "Can I keep it?"

Connor's hand that was still lying on the drawing became suddenly more protective. But then he thought why not, there probably wasn't a place for it in his house, not while his father was around at least. He handed it to Steve with reverence who took it with equal respect.

"Does the phrase paradise planet mean anything to you Steve?" The councillor asked hopelessly.

"Did Connor say it?"

"Yes"

"If Connor says something I don't understand I usually just assume it's some Mormon thing. I just let him get on with it"

"Do you realise that the artwork you hold in your hands is Connor's idea of paradise?"

"Really? This is paradise for you?"

Connor smiled shyly at Steve and without either of them realising found their fingers lightly grazing beneath the desk in front.

"Yeah paradise is us being alone together. Just me and you"


	5. Chapter 5

As the runs of school shows often do, A Midsummer Night's Dream came swiftly to an end. On the day of the last performance Connor was slightly low in spirits but he felt picked up by the compliments he kept receiving.

The truth was that, although far from a perfect performance, Connor was a very promising actor. Steve was just beginning to see it too as after seeing the show three times he now knew the story enough to understand what was going on and could concentrate fully on Connor.

Connor had taken Steve into his dressing room where he had been nothing but a nuisance. So Connor had taken him to the wings and sat him on the side, where he also got in everybody's way. So Connor had subtly pointed out the ladder to the fly tower and Steve had watched from above.

From this angle he could catch the top of Connor's fiery hair as it glittered while he danced around the stage.

The end came all too soon and suddenly Connor was back in the dressing room being slapped on the back and congratulated by fellow cast members.

"You coming Connor?" He heard Kevin call across the room.

"Where?"

"The cast party of course!"

"No sorry, my mom wants me home"

Kevin was about to protest when he was bowled out the room by the cast, leaving Connor and Steve alone.

Connor sighed as he pulled the last of the glittery strands from his head.

"You were great Connor"

"Thanks" he said dejectedly, "You ready to go?

Steve nodded and shouldered his bag. It was a short walk home but there was a mutual agreement that they should both walk very slowly to prolong the experience. Who knew if the magic would still be there the next day.

"So when's the next show?" Steve asked light heartedly noticing that his friend could use a bit of cheering up.

"They're doing Oliver, but I'm not sure if I'll audition"

"Why not? You're a great dancer, you stand a good chance"

"It's not that, I just don't really want to"

"Connor McKinley not want to dance? There's no such thing"

They walked on in silence for a few minutes, Steve carefully scrutinising Connor's stony face.

"It's your parents isn't it?"

Connor nodded mutely. Steve stopped walking so he could look Connor in the eye.

"Who cares what they think? Do whatever you want and if they disagree let them know Steve Blade will be round to see them" Connor smiled slightly but continued to look at the floor. A few blocks away they stopped next to Steve's house.

"Would you get my keys? They're in my rucksack" he turned around so Connor could get to his back. He rummaged for a few moments. "Got them? Connor? Seriously it can't take that long"

There was a silence as all movement behind him stopped.

"Steve?"

"Yes?" He was curious, but then his heart dropped a few stories as he remembered what was in there.

"Is this my painting?"

"Yes it is"

"What's it still doing in your bag?"

"Um, I just like to have it on me"

"I thought you were all about not caring what your parents think"

"This is different"

"It's exactly the same! My mom doesn't want me to do musicals, you're scared your mom will see this picture and won't know what to think. Well why should you care? I don't! You just go right up to your mom and tell her-"

"My mom's dead Connor"

It was like the air had been knocked out of both of them and they struggled to take a breath as all the oxygen was sucked away.

"What?" Connor managed after an agonising silence.

"You heard"

"Steve I'm so sorry I didn't know I just...I'm sorry. I'll pray for you"

"Excuse me? You'll do what?"

"Please let me try. Praying always helps me"

"I find that hard to believe Connor"

"Sometimes it's hard but we mustn't question His ways. The church teaches-"

"Your church is stupid! Your God is stupid! You think it's all so special well what good is any of it if it couldn't protect my mom? And then you go and say you'll pray for me? What the hell Connor?"

Connor was stunned, he wanted to help Steve and he thought he was doing it the right way. But, Steve looked so angry and his voice was cracking like he was close to tears. He'd never seen Steve like this and the image scared him.

"Steve I was just trying to-"

"You know what Connor? Fuck you!"

Connor gasped and his eyes widened as he was held in suspense for a few seconds before he turned on his heel and ran.

He ran, the cold night air whistling painfully through his lungs. He didn't understand. He wasn't thinking hard enough to understand. He felt fragile and alone, like he never wanted to be touched again in case he shattered into a million pieces.

He couldn't see, tears were streaming down his face stinging in his eyes. No one could say later whose fault it was that Connor chose that exact moment in time to wipe the blindness away. No one would later know who to blame for the fact that a late night shipment of timber was careering its way towards him so the driver could finish his shift early.

It was lucky that Connor had missed some of the glittering strands in his hair causing the headlights to reflect off it. The seconds extra time the truck had to break probably gave Connor his life. The strands that were meant to add to the effect of Connor's transition through to the other world, would keep him out of it tonight.

Connor heard a wailing screeching sound, then he felt the truck hit him, then he thought of Steve, and then he was gone.

* * *

Steve got on the bus at his usual stop the next morning, eyes cast down so he wouldn't have to see Connor. He took the first available seat he saw so he wouldn't even have to pass him. His day passed uneventfully until lunch time when he noticed he hadn't seen Connor all day. Scanning the cafeteria he made sure he hadn't missed him, then wandered casually over to the drama geeks table.

He smiled with an air of boredom trying desperately to hide how much he cared.

"Hey guys" he said cheerfully. They looked up from their lunches unimpressed at the interruption from this foreigner to their land. "I was just wondering if you'd seen Connor around"

Kevin raised his eyebrows maintaining a stony glare with the rest of his face. "You walked him home last night didn't you?"

"Well yeah but only half way" he became aware of all eyes on the table directly on him, "I'm just making sure he's ok"

"Well you're doing a great job" Kevin said bitterly, "Why don't you go and ask him if he's ok?"

Steve thought about it for a few moments and decided that he couldn't hold a grudge against his best friend. It wasn't Connor's fault, he didn't really know, he couldn't blame him.

"Yeah I'd like to, where is he?"

"In hospital"

* * *

"Why didn't anybody think to tell me?!" Steve screamed at the councillor who was staring down at her desk avoiding his gaze.

"It wasn't deemed necessary"

"He's my best friend!"

"Steve I know you're angry but it's school policy, I wasn't allowed to say anything"

"The drama club knew"

"That's different, they were part of the investigation"

"Investigation?" Steve was standing up now, the chair toppled behind him and he wasn't bothering to keep his voice quiet.

"The drama club were the last people to see him before the accident"

"No they weren't. I was"

The councillor sighed, clearly only half believing him.

"Steve, if this is true then I'll need to ask you some questions that you must answer truthfully"

Steve nodded, breathing heavily, suddenly aware of the chair on the floor and how loud he'd been shouting.

"He walked me home. That was the last time I saw him"

"What was the last thing you said to him?"

"I...I can't remember"

"It's extremely important that you do"

"Why?"

"Connor was hit by a hit and run driver last night. I don't know how to tell you this Steve but we think he might have run into the road on purpose"

"What?"

"So Steve, what did you talk about before he left you?"

"Why would you think that? Not Connor it couldn't be Connor"

"He's been waking up occasionally and we've picked up sentences. We're just trying to put two and two together"

"I don't believe it"

"Did he say anything to you?"

"I-I-I..." Steve stuttered in a panic, his heart heaving in his chest, "I...told him to...fuck off"

* * *

A week at school without Connor felt like a week of nothingness for Steve. To say he missed him would be an understatement.

Perhaps a month ago or so he would have said losing Connor would be like losing a shadow. Now he would say it felt like losing the sun altogether. All the energy he had gained since Connor had arrived into his life had vanished and been replaced with guilt.

Steve felt more than just lonely, he felt like someone had carelessly ripped bits of him off leaving behind a sickening void.

He stopped getting the bus home. He felt the need to retrace those last steps every day. To punish himself? To remind him constantly of what he had done?

He wanted Connor back. He needed Connor back but no one was telling him anything. He was shunned at school, the councillor refused to answer his questions. Rumours spread fast and there wasn't a single person in the school who didn't think Steve Blade hadn't tried to murder Connor McKinley. He'd punched him once before right?

One walk home after school, Steve found himself once again walking in his footprints but this time he carried on walking past his house.

Without even thinking about it his legs were taking him away. He absentmindedly noticed an unusual change in scenery but kept going until his feet took him to a front door.

He looked through the lace gauze and caught sight of a family mid dinner. He debated over whether he should turn straight round when he saw the sticker above the door bell: 'Jesus loves you'. He knew what he had to do.

He watched as a silhouette got up and came towards the door at the sound of the bell. He regretted not thinking of something to say first.

"Hello, can I help you?"

"Umm...Mrs McKinley?"

"Yes?"

"My name's Steve"

"One of Connor's friends?" He saw her breath become shallower, "I'm sorry but he's not here"

"I know and...I think I might know why"

"If you've come here to spread rumours and gossip you can go straight home. Connor's in hospital, he was in an accident"

Steve looked past Mrs McKinley where her husband and daughters had paused their meal to stare in his direction. He saw, or at least he thought he saw, a father who cared and sisters who loved, he had neither. He didn't need to burden these people with what he knew, it wouldn't be fair. He told himself this even though half of him was just trying to avoid repeating the words.

"I just...you drove me home one time…remember? I'm Connor's best friend, I'd just really like to see him"

Mrs McKinley looked him up and down searching for the integrity in his words, then retreated into the house closing the gauze. Steve was about to go when she came back, quickly thrust a piece of paper in his hands and went inside again.

The small slip of paper had a biro address on the front which he assumed was the hospital. He turned it over but that was all there was.

Back in his room at home, Steve copied the address down several times already aware that it had smudged. It was so important he spoke to Connor and he had to do it soon. He had to make some sort of amends because the guilt was destroying him.

He took out the crumpled picture Connor had drawn the other day. The happy smiling faces reflecting neither subjects reality.

He questioned tacking it to the wall but settled for placing it under his pillow. He smoothed it gently first before laying it reverently down making sure each corner was covered. He remembered Connor's words from the night before, then looked down at the floorboards thinking of his father beneath. No matter what Connor said, he certainly wasn't ready to show his father this particular painting yet.

The next day Steve took a bus and two stops on the subway to reach St Cecilia's hospital.

It was a Sunday, Connor was meant to be at church but, instead he was lying in an unknown hospital bed that Steve was determined to find.

He walked up to the man at reception, gripping to the straps of his rucksack and asked where Connor McKinley was.

"I'm sorry young man, but he's in a closed ward and you need to ring beforehand for a visiting space"

"So can I see him?"

The man looked a bit stumped for a moment. "Well as I just said we need to know in advance"

"Is ten minutes enough?"

"Look if you don't change your attitude soon you will be in some serious trouble"

Realising his tactic was failing Steve tried pleading.

"Please, he's my best friend and I'm going crazy without him. You'd think I'd go crazy with him around but now that he's gone, I don't know what to do"

"Well look there's other visitors in there at the moment, but come back tomorrow at the same time and you can see him then"

"Thanks" Steve nodded looking at the floor thinking for a second, "What ward is he in so I'll know where to go?"

"6DL

"Ok thanks, bye" Steve walked away from the desk then back round in a semi circle into the nearest lift. Arriving on floor six he looked left and right spotting a small children's ward. He could just see through the window a few beds, only two filled, one with a girl slightly younger than himself and one with Connor. He was awake.

A Sigh of relief was taken over by a groan as he saw the visitors surrounding Connor's bed. Kevin and a few members of the drama club were leaning in to hear Connor speak who appeared like he was having difficulty forming the words.

The sight of Kevin sickened him for some reason he couldn't explain. And was he...? Was he holding Connor's hand?

Before he realised it stabbing brown eyes met his green ones and Kevin was up and making his way towards the door. He stepped away from the door as Kevin pushed hard through it ending up with him up against the wall.

Kevin's eyes blazed with anger as he held Steve in place shouting directly in his face. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I came to see Connor" Steve replied as calmy as possible.

"He doesn't need to see you after what you did. Stay away from him"

Steve wasn't going to be pushed around by Kevin Price he slipped under the grip of two hands against his shoulders and sprinted in the direction of the door. He felt hands grab him from behind fling him backwards and then Kevin running past him, slamming the door behind.

"Didn't you hear me Blade? Stay away!"

Steve tried the door, but found it locked. He stood on his tiptoes to peer through the circular window. He saw Kevin bend down and whisper something to Connor who frowned then struggled to reply. He watched as Kevin moved his hands protesting, the others nodding in agreement before Connor said something. He watched the scene unfold in silence, sound blocked out by the thick door.

Finally Kevin got up and came towards him. He flinched backwards but Kevin caught his eyes and gave a half nod. As he opened the door he grasped Steve by the wrist. "He wants to talk to you, but remember that you're dangerous Blade. You shouldn't be around him, you've hurt him before, you'll do it again"

Kevin beckoned for the rest of the drama club to follow him into the corridor leaving Steve and Connor alone.

"Hey" Steve managed after a long pause, still standing by the doorway. It took Connor a long time to reply but eventually he motioned with a tiny gesture for Steve to come closer so he could catch his effort filled whisper.

"It's not your fault"

Steve visibly exhaled at the words that cleared his mind of everything that had been troubling him over the past few days.

"What happened?" He heard an unfamiliar choke in his voice as he spoke.

"What have you heard?" Connor's strained voice replied.

"Nothing. Nobody's told me anything"

Connor raised his eyebrows and then winced at the gesture.

"I was hit by a truck" he groaned as he shifted his position so he could look at Steve and not up at him.

"I got that far"

"That's pretty much it"

"You know it's not"

"Ok well, I was running away from you and I couldn't see so I ran straight onto the road. Now I have a broken ankle, three fractured ribs, a sprained wrist and some bruising. They say I was lucky"

"Maybe you are"

"I think God was on my side"

"God threw you under a truck?"

Connor exhaled and closed his eyes. "You don't have to understand, I don't need you to. You see that girl?" He pointed with his eyes to the sleeping girl in the next bed, "She's a dancer too. It will be a long time before I can dance, but she never will again. That's why I'm lucky"

"What's wrong with her?"

"She has cancer"

"Oh"

"Her name's Emma Thomas, her brother goes to our school"

Steve shrugged without any recognition in his face.

"You know Chris? From the electronics club?"

Steve shook his head in pensive silence still finding it difficult to look into Connor's eyes. He couldn't understand how they could still be so bright as he lay in a dingy hospital bed.

"Why did you do it Connor?"

"What? Run myself over? I didn't really have control over the situation" Connor said with a rare hint of sarcasm.

"Who did then?" Steve probed.

"I know what you're trying to make me say. I don't blame God ok?"

"No no that's not what I meant. I just thought it might be someone's fault"

"It's no ones fault"

"It's mine isn't it" he said it like a statement.

"Why would you think that?"

"They think you did it on purpose, you've been saying things when you were out, there's been an investigation and everything. The whole school blames me, seriously where have you been?"

"Umm...in hospital"

"Will you be out soon?"

"I don't know" Connor went back to looking at the ceiling, his eyes darting between the marks on the fluorescent white tiles, "I didn't know the truck was there and I didn't run out on purpose but...I might have done if I did know"

The comment hung heavy in the air as Steve tried to think of a reply. He hovered his hand awkwardly above Connor's summoning up the courage to touch.

"Connor I'm...I'm sorry" His small voice sounded pathetic, but it was all he could think of.

After a long silence he realised that Connor's eyes had drifted closed and there was a steady rise and fall in his chest. Steve gently moved his chair back and tiptoed out the room, leaving his sleeping best friend behind.

He took a moment to look through the circular window and then disappeared down the corridor.


	6. Chapter 6

"You'll be fine"

"I'm so nervous"

"You'll be amazing"

"Steve I don't think I can do this"

Steve took his best friend by the shoulders and gathered all his self control so he wouldn't shake him.

"I didn't come all this way to watch you quit at the last minute"

"Where else would you be?"

"Probably in history"

"Steve that's literally next door"

"I didn't come to see you fail"

"I've picked the wrong song"

This happened every time Connor had an audition. Despite being the best dancer and singer in his year, every audition brought with it an attack of nerves. Steve would gladly take the time out of whatever lesson he should have been in to stand outside the door while Connor did his perfect audition.

It was this moment of moral support before the door opened where he tried to calm Connor's anxiousness that he hated.

"The director knows you anyway. You could completely screw up and you'd still get a part"

"That's so unprofessional"

"Connor? Would you like to come in?" a student usher said as she emerged from the door.

Connor nodded and walked on shaking legs into the room. Steve sighed as he watched him go knowing that he'd have to listen to the stories about how Connor had smashed it later.

He thought about wandering back to history glancing at his watch to see less than half the lesson had passed.

It would be the responsible thing to do but thinking about it, he hadn't been listening to history lectures all year, would one make a difference?

He decided to just wait in the corridor until Connor was done and then they'd sit outside or something. It should be shorter than usual. He didn't have to dance, he was still recovering from the accident, so after his song he would be almost done. Still, to Steve it felt like Connor's auditions took ages.

He gazed uninterestedly at the notices tacked to the boards and then turned to wander up and down the corridor while he waited. Not looking where he was going he was completely surprised by the impact of another person. He saw a flurry of papers fall to the floor obscuring his view and he debated whether to make a run for it.

Sighing, imagining his punishment for being truant again he bent over to collect the dropped pages. A surprisingly small hand took them from him. He looked up to see his biology classmate staring back at him.

"Danielle? What are you doing here?"

"Oh hey Steve, I was just going to see if I could audition. What are you doing here? Are you auditioning too?"

"God no" he allowed himself a small smile, "Not my thing, I'm here with Connor"

He gestured limply to the door of the auditorium where Connor had disappeared moments before.

"I should have known" she smiled back, "Well I'll see you later"

"Yeah, um...break a leg" he felt overly and stupidly pleased with himself for remembering the phrase which was for some reason was incredibly important to him right now.

As he watched the door open and Danielle went inside, Connor emerged. They acknowledged each other as they passed but otherwise showed no recognition.

Steve thought about how strange the whole encounter had seemed and he was still unsure why his heart had skipped a few beats. He shook himself internally to turn his attention to the beaming Connor.

"How'd it go?" He ventured.

"Oh you know...the usual" Connor said coyly.

"So...good right?"

"...yes"

"Good ok, let's get out of here"

"Why so keen to leave?"

"Nothing, I just need to get to history"

Connor raised his eyebrows and turned to look at Steve.

"Ok what's up?"

"Do you know Danielle?"

"Who?"

"That girl who just went in"

"Not really why?"

"She's auditioning"

"What part?"

"How would I know?"

Connor shrugged, shouldered his rucksack and led the way down the corridor.

"No no wait a sec"

"Oh so we're staying now?" Connor said a slight amusement behind his voice.

"I don't know"

"Well I have a class now but you are welcome to stay here in front of this extremely interesting notice board for as long as you like" Connor turned on his heel and walked a few paces, tilting his head slightly waiting for Steve to catch up. When Steve didn't appear at his side, he turned around to see the door to the audition room swing shut and Steve no where to be seen.

Connor sighed and looked at his watch. He'd promised his art teacher that he wouldn't be more than twenty minutes late. Resolving himself to just leave Steve to whatever he was up to, he decided to head on over to the studio and meet up again at lunch to find out what was going on.

Steve wasn't auditioning right? It wasn't possible. It wasn't even as if Steve could have one of those surprising voices that is only revealed every now and then. Connor had heard him sing at Chris's birthday, where he'd thought karaoke would be a good idea.

Connor had almost wished he hadn't been there to witness it, but Steve had joined the electronics club shortly after Connor got out of hospital, Connor had a vague idea why, and Steve had pulled Connor with him to this occasion. The thing was; Steve didn't deal very well with guilt, even when it wasn't his own, and he always felt the need to do something about it.

Steve softly closed the door behind him, still surprised at the loud noise it made. A few heads turned round but they all turned back to the stage before long. He was standing at the back of the almost empty school auditorium, creeping slowly down the carpeted aisle to get close to the performer now on stage.

It looked like he'd just caught her. He watched as she sang a ballad that with his minimal musical theatre knowledge, he didn't recognise but, he still enjoyed a shortened rendition. She wasn't as good as Connor by any stretch, she didn't have nearly as much presence as he had, and she seemed almost unable to smile.

Even as Connor's best friend and that bias working against him, he could tell that whereas Connor was extremely good at what he did, this girl was clearly never going to rise above a decent high school level standard.

She thanked the director once she was done and exited gracefully from the stage. Steve thought she looked a little dissatisfied and was struggling not to show it. It wasn't until she was half way up the aisle that he realised she was coming straight for him and there was no time to run.

He tried to smile pleasantly but found himself grimacing instead.

"Do you always sneak into the back of auditions or am I just special?" Danielle asked. Steve was struck by how different she was to Connor. She had very dark brown hair that could easily be mistaken for black in the right light. Her eyes were a similar colour. Connor was as pale as snow but Danielle had darker tan skin.

He tried to think of something to say, racking his brains for something that he knew about her to bring into conversation. She sat diagonally in front of him during biology and apart from the occasional pen pass, they hardly ever spoke. She was nice enough, but he could tell the situation would get awkward quickly if he didn't keep a momentum going.

"I guess I just wanted to hear you sing" he smiled sheepishly, a smile that was not returned.

"Well it was distracting. I don't know what happened up there but I couldn't focus on my song with you standing right in front of me"

_I'm distracting? Is that why Connor never lets me sit in on his auditions? Does he find me distracting too?_

"I thought you couldn't see the audience through the lights. Connor told me" he thought back to that time, only a few months ago, when Connor had played a fairy and hadn't been able to see anybody who lived in his world. If only for a short time.

"Only the strips are on at the moment" she said, as if this was obvious to anyone.

"I'm sorry" Steve felt like all he ever did nowadays was apologise, but had he really distracted someone from singing? Just by his presence? He also had no idea what strips were but didn't think now was the time to ask.

"It's ok" She said, realising that she might have been a bit harsh, "Do you sing?"

Steve was taken aback by this question. He knew what would be coming after it though. She'd try and convince him to audition. It seemed like Connor was the only one who didn't do this. Although that might have something to do with the time they'd locked themselves out on the patio balcony at his uncle's wedding.

It had been Steve's fault, but Connor had taken the opportunity of the space and music seeping through the French doors from the party within, to teach Steve how to dance.

It was very clear after just a few minutes that Steve had about five left feet. Still Connor had persevered until he could at the very least waltz in a small circle. It had been a tremendous accomplishment for both but had left Connor saying that no one should ever be burdened with the task of teaching Steve Blade to dance.

"No, I don't sing. Or dance. Or act or well, anything…" he trailed off the end of his sentence lamely.

"Everyone can sing. Maybe you just need the right guidance"

"Seriously, it's fine that I can't. It honestly doesn't bother me"

"You could do crew" she suggested. Steve narrowed his eyes slightly, wondering why she was beating this dead horse. Even Connor had given up on getting him involved in theatre productions. He'd come and watch, if Connor was in them of course, but that was all.

"I have a lot on my plate right now, which reminds me, I have a history class now"

"Oh sure, I'll see you" She held her sheets under her arm and made her way out the auditorium without looking back. Steve couldn't tell if the expression on her face was one of anger or disappointment and he also wasn't sure why it made a difference or if he cared.

He told himself he didn't and that it was time to go and hang outside the art studio for Connor. Just like every time he waited nearly half an hour for Connor to finish his class, he'd pretend he was just wandering by at the right place at the right time. He still didn't really know why he did this.

Steve could see the art class through the small window in the door. They were sitting in a circle staring intently at a watering can with a large bunch of flowers in it. Steve scanned the group to see Connor sitting directly opposite the door.

As if feeling someone watching him, Connor looked up at that exact moment allowing their eyes to meet. Steve gestured confusedly that he would wait beyond the frame of the door but Connor surreptitiously held a hand up to stop him.

He squinted, holding his brush out in front of him and then swapped it for a heavy graphite pencil. With one out stretched hand he held Steve in place with an invisible string, and with the other he frantically sketched. Steve watched, strangely nervous, as Connor worked on what he guessed would be a portrait, glancing at the clock to see how much longer he would have to stand there.

When the lesson was over, Connor's art teacher went around the class checking the paintings. As she saw Connor's she rolled her eyes, an accustomed action now that she was used to Connor never drawing the task she set.

Connor joined Steve outside and Steve craned his neck to look at the drawing. "Let's have a look then"

Connor shook his head, folding the piece of paper carefully and tucking it away inside a pocket of his bag. "It's not quite finished yet"

Steve made a grab but Connor swung his bag away and deftly deferred Steve's attempt. "Nuh uh, you'll have to wait"

"I hate you"

"Lunch?"

"Yeah sure"

The pair found their table empty as usual and enjoyed a quiet lunch together. Nothing special, the same company as always, the same food, the same Connor. He was always so happy, especially now he would be working on a new show.

"Hold right there" Connor said suddenly whipping out the piece of paper with the unfinished drawing on it and setting to work.

"What is it?"

"Shhh don't talk! I need to draw you right now as you are, so don't move"

Connor sucked the end of his pencil several times as he contemplated his work until finally he was done.

"Can I see now?"

"Yes, but I'm keeping this one"

Steve took the paper from Connor and saw his perfect likeness reflected back. He couldn't see anything special about it though, it seemed just like any of Connor's drawings of him.

"Why this one?"

"This one's rare"

"How come?"

"I had to wait for the perfect moment until I could finish it, I didn't know how long I was going to have to wait, but luckily not too long"

"Why? What did you add?"

Connor gestured to the lips, where the corners of Steve's mouth were slightly upturned.

"You're smiling"


	7. Chapter 7

"I got the part!"

"Surprise" Steve said rolling his eyes. He was happy for Connor but, this ritual every play of Connor working himself into a state before seeing his name at the top of a cast list worked him up too. He'd almost been at nail biting point himself that morning as Connor wrestled his way through the crowds to reach the board.

"I really wanted this one, it's different this time" he drew Steve into a friendly hug and Steve relaxed a little, "Thanks for the help"

"You're welcome" Steve replied knowing that this stress wouldn't be the last. Connor would want to run lines, complain about cast members, moan about the director and groan about his feet hurting and that would all be before hell week. Connor being cast in a show was a huge effort for Steve, but he'd never dream of letting Connor know.

"Who else is in it?"

"Oh just the usual people. Kevin of course"

Steve snarled involuntarily.

"Don't make that face, Kevin's really nice"

"I don't like him"

"You don't even know him. Have you guys had a single conversation together?"

"Plenty" Steve replied thinking back to the less than friendly back and forth they had had.

"Chris Thomas is on tech team again, you know him, he's nice"

Steve's reasons for being on the electronics club might be suspicious, mostly being for extra credit and a strange sense of guilt after seeing his sister in hospital. But Steve had to agree that Chris was a nice guy, very quiet, but nice.

So that was at least one person he wouldn't mind seeing during this whole ordeal. Maybe rehearsals wouldn't be so bad.

"And that new girl Danielle got a big part"

"Who's she playing?"

"My love interest I guess" he laughed and kept reading names off the list.

Steve suddenly felt odd. He couldn't quite describe it but he was pretty sure there was a bit of anger in there. He couldn't work out if he was angry at Connor for being allowed access to Danielle on a regular basis. Or, and this thought scared him, angry at Danielle for being the centre of Connor's attention. And a small part of him thought it probably was the latter and a surge of jealousy passed through him as his mind flooded with images of Connor and Danielle. Talking, moving closer, holding hands, kissing...

It made him feel slightly sick. He was so comfortable with the way their friendship was going and that was partly due to the fact that no one was there to mess it up.

"You ok?" Connor asked concerned as he noticed Steve's silent form.

"Yeah, I just think we should do stuff together"

"We do do stuff together" Connor said confused.

"No I mean a lot of stuff, movies, pizza, walks in the park I don't care. Just a ton of stuff before you get sucked into rehearsals and I barely ever see you"

Steve had a sudden urge to pull Connor close to him and not let go for a very long time. As people wandered past them in the corridors the strong desire to just hold Connor came to the front of his mind.

"Let's go now"

"Steve it's 9:30"

"So?"

"We have school!"

"So?"

"Steve don't be difficult"

"I need this" Steve pleaded realising the lengths he expected Connor to go for him and hating himself for it.

"What about after school?"

"It's dark then"

"Then come round to my place. You can have dinner"

"Will that be ok?"

"Fine, my mom loves to cook for people. We'll walk back after school"

Steve agreed to this plan. Any time with Connor during these precious few moments before rehearsals started and Connor was slowly tugged away from him.

"I'm off this way" Connor said starting to walk down the corridor, "But I'll see you in lunch"

"Bye" Steve said lamely to Connor's darting figure looking back at the cast list for a kindred spirit. Finding none, he set off for Biology.

As he walked into the room, he noticed Danielle in the front as usual, bent over a text book. He tried to glide past to his seat without attracting attention and had almost made it.

"Hi Steve"

He froze and then had to turn to face her. He didn't know if he could be bothered with a fake smile.

"Hi" he said tonelessly. There was a silence as Steve wondered whether this social interaction was finished or not.

"I saw your friend Connor got the part he wanted"

Steve made a sound that might be distinguished as an affirmative. How long was he going to have to keep this up, he thought, until it would be acceptable to leave.

"Let him know I said congrats" she said a little too cheerfully.

"Ok I will" Steve shifted between his feet. He could feel the awkwardness dense in the air.

Steve felt relief as the door opened and his teacher walked in, effectively killing the conversation without him having to do anything. It had been a painful exchange and one he didn't want to repeat any time soon.

Throughout Biology Steve found his mind wandering to Connor, to school, his home and then back to Connor. Connor was always at the forefront of his mind and he could never shake him from it. Not that he minded.

As the bell sounded, Steve was the first one up and out of the room. He walked fast down the corridor not giving anyone even the slightest chance to stop him. He met up with Connor at lunch time glad to see an approachable face.

"You look awful" Connor remarked off handedly as they slid their trays along the counter.

"Thanks, you look great"

"I'm just in such a good mood what with this play coming up and everything"

"You just had art right?" Steve wasn't ready to begin the play discussions quite yet.

"Yeah, she asked us to paint what we dreamt about last night"

"Can I see?"

"Um...no not this time"

Steve shrugged and led the way to their usual table. He already had so many of Connor's paintings and drawings, he wouldn't miss another one. His drawers were stuffed with them, sheets and sheets, but always out of sight.

"Are you sure your mom won't mind about tonight?"

"Trust me it's fine"

"I just don't want to make you feel-"

Steve looked up as a shadow crossed the table between him and Connor.

"Hey, can I sit here?"

"Sure!" Connor said quickly and brightly, completely missing the signals Steve was trying to mentally transmit.

"Thanks Connor. Hi Steve"

"Hi Danielle"

"You rushed out of Biology so fast I didn't get a chance to catch you"

Steve mumbled something unintelligible and then took a bite of apple forcing Connor to pick up the conversation.

"Looking forward to rehearsals?"

"Yeah I can't wait. It will be fun, us running scenes together" She smiled playfully, harmlessly, unaware of how her words were affecting Steve.

"And being in love" Connor added cheerfully. Danielle giggled. The sound made Steve feel a bit sick.

"I have to go" he said quickly, standing up and stepping over the bench.

"Oh" Connor looked concerned, "Is everything ok?"

"Fine, great, fine" he said quickly, "I just need to go"

"Where?" Danielle asked looking a little forlorn.

"Just...somewhere"

"Do you want me to come with?"

"No!" He said a bit too fast and a bit too loudly, "No, sorry, but thanks"

"Do you want me to come?" Connor asked.

"For God's sake I just need air!" And with that he left the confused pair at the table, almost tripping as he left the canteen in his haste.

He stumbled into the closest bathroom and leaned over the sink. He breathed deeply trying to slow his brain down so he could process the thoughts. He felt so cluttered, so confused. Where was the Steve Blade who didn't care about other people? Who was numb on the inside? What happened to him?

Steve worked it out in a second. Connor happened. Connor made him feel and he wasn't just freeing old emotions. He was opening up a whole load more he didn't even know existed. When he was with Connor he felt peaceful and churned at the same time.

He gripped the sides of the sink, his teeth clenched, desperately trying to control the anger that had materialised from nothing. He spun the tap harshly releasing a stream of water that he splashed on his face. Clearing his mind.

He jumped as he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up in the mirror to see the familiar blue eyes staring back at him.

"Hey" Connor said quietly, "Want to talk?"

Anyone else might have asked if Steve was ok. But Connor could tell instantly that his best friend was troubled. And he also knew that between the lives of the two of them, nothing was ever ok.

"Later" Steve said surprising himself when hardly any sound came out.

Connor nodded slowly stroking Steve's arm in a gradual change from static to comforting gesture.

Steve barely noticed that Connor was now pressed into his back and was hugging him from behind. He wanted to stay inside this friend shaped cocoon for a long time.

The sharp peel of the bell signalled the end of this rare and quiet moment.

"I should probably get going" Connor said reluctantly. Steve nodded.

"I have English"

"I know"

"You don't have to wait for me after if you don't want to"

"Connor, I've waited for you every day for a year"

"I'm just saying that if you want a change, I can walk to the gates from English without you. It's out of your way anyway"

"I'm not letting you walk by yourself"

"What's going to happen if you do?"

"I don't like the idea of it"

"The idea of me walking from English to the front gates doesn't agree with you?"

"I don't want to see you get hurt"

"It's walking down a corridor Steve, it's not exactly extreme sports"

Connor gave Steve a quick hug and left the bathroom. Steve knew that if it was a simple matter of walking down a corridor he wouldn't need to be so protective about it. It was more complicated than that. Nothing was allowed to hurt Connor while Steve was around. He owed it to Connor and also to himself.

With a few extra breaths to ready himself for an afternoon of classes, he made his way out into the school corridors.

As usual Steve was waiting outside English five minutes before the bell went. Connor looked bored as hell and was grateful when he spotted Steve, the sign that class was nearly over. He smiled and gave a tiny wave that would be unnoticeable unless you were looking directly at it.

Connor sprung up as the bell went with more enthusiasm than usual and joined Steve in the corridor.

"Ready?"

"For what?"

"Our...plans?"

"Oh yeah, I'd forgot"

"Sheesh Steve am I really that forgettable?"

"Yes"

"Shut up"

They walked side by side, Connor having to take a few more strides. Steve was quite a bit taller than Connor.

"Oi Steve!"

Steve flinched and then turned towards the direction of the voice. In the crowd of people rushing to get out it was hard to see where it'd come from.

"Steve!" It called again. This time he saw that it was Adam, soccer player and teammate for a season when Steve had been bored.

"Adam" Steve acknowledged with as much politeness as he deemed necessary.

"Some of the guys are going to have a kick around down on the fields, coming?"

Despite Connor standing right next to him, Adam completely ignored his presence.

"Sorry I have plans"

"Cancel" Adam said simply.

"I promised Connor I'd-"

"Oh I see. Well don't let me interrupt your date"

"What? No it's not like that-"

"Well you and your boyfriend have a good time"

"No wait!" But they'd already disappeared into the flow. Great, Steve thought, that was just the kind of talk and rumour he wanted going round.

"Ignore them, they're just jerks" Connor grabbed his arm and led him back into the crowd so he wasn't standing facing in the wrong direction blocking everyone.

Steve didn't know what he was expecting from dinner with Connor's parents. He'd always assumed that a large family was a good thing. Connor was one of six siblings and Steve was part of a family of two.

"So how's school Steve?" Mrs McKinley made conversation.

"Going really well" Steve lied.

"And what are you into?"

"Uh...sport"

"Sport, you hear that Connor?" Mr McKinley said loudly from the head of the table, "He likes sport"

"I know dad. He is my best friend"

Steve focused down on his plate, twirling his fork nervously and trying not to look too rude or disinterested.

"Are you in a team Steve?" Mr McKinley leaned towards him causing Steve to shrink back slightly.

"I was. Soccer"

"Connor plays soccer"

"Does he?"

"No I don't"

"You used to"

Connor didn't answer and instead got up to clear his plate.

"Connor is a sporty kid, I promise you"

"Well he's a great dancer" Steve supplied wondering how small he could make himself while sitting down.

Mr McKinley wrinkled his nose and decided to drop the subject. Steve was glad when Connor returned to his seat placing a barrier between himself and Connor's nerve racking father.

"Did I tell you the news dad?" Connor broke the silent tension that had descended over the table.

"No I don't think you did" he said warily.

"I got the part" Connor tried to ladle it with as much enthusiasm as possible but failed to excite his father.

"Another play?"

"Yep"

"What do you think about all this time wasting Steve?"

"I don't understand"

"Singing, dancing or whatever. At your age you need to stay grounded and if you're looking for more than that then look no further than God"

Connor rolled his eyes behind his father's back but honestly Steve had been wondering how long it would take to bring the subject round to religion.

"I think it makes Connor very happy" Steve said carefully, "And I think that's a very good thing"

"You're young you don't know what you want"

Steve was surprised that none of the other McKinleys joined in this exchange. Was dinner usually just Mr McKinley ranting, or did they all eat in silence? It made him feel uneasy and he was relieved Connor was there smiling through it. The only seemingly normal member at the table.

"What do you want to do with your life?"

"I don't know"

"See! You have no idea. Leave the thinking to us and you won't go getting ideas you shouldn't have. Like dancing. I mean I'm all for dancing, but not for a man and certainly not my son"

Connor was gradually slumping down in his seat, colour filling his cheeks. He'd heard this speech a hundred times before but it still stung.

"He says he wants colour in his life, well I say speak to the lord and he will answer you with all the light and love you need"

"Um dad? May we be excused" Eliza, Steve remembered was the name of one of Connor's older sisters, had risen slightly off her chair. Connor's other sisters had also stood and were looking at him expectantly.

"Let them go Scott" Mrs McKinley said quickly before her husband could say otherwise. He nodded brushing them away with his hand.

"Steve, Connor, why don't you go too?" She said pitifully, "I have some things to discuss with your father"

Mr McKinley looked like he was about to protest but Connor leapt up dragging Steve away before he could say another word.

Connor landed on his bed and exhaled deeply then patted the space next to him. Steve collapsed into a sitting position, mentally exhausted by the evenings events so far.

"You ok?"

"I guess"

Connor put a hand on Steve's shoulder. "Sorry about my dad"

"It's ok"

"He can be a bit intense"

"So can mine"

"What's your dad li-?"

"So how was your day?" Steve butted in hastily. That was ground he didn't want to tread. At least not today.

"I was fine. I'm not so sure about you"

"I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately" Steve stared at a black and white photo of the new york skyline tacked up on the wall in front of him, "I guess I've been distracted"

"I can tell" Connor shuffled a bit closer so he could continue stroking Steve's shoulder, "You need something to take your mind off it"

"Easy for you to say. You've got your acting and painting. I'm not talented at all"

"My painting doesn't take my mind off it at all. In fact it's sort of the opposite"

Steve looked at him curiously. For explanation Connor took a sheet of paper from his ruck sack.

"My dream from last night. Remember my teacher asked us to draw them?"

Steve took the artwork from Connor's hands to look at it. At first glance it just looked like a fire or the sun but as he looked closer he became more horrified.

"Is this...?" He wasn't sure he could even bring himself to say the word.

"Hell" Connor finished for him, "I dreamt I was in hell last night"

"It looks horrible"

"It is"

"God Connor, I hope things are better tonight"

"Well that's the thing. I dream about hell every night"

"Jesus Connor! How long's it been going on for?"

Connor proceeded to tell the story of last years struggle with his father, although he didn't quite mention all the details. He recounted his vivid experiences of hell and how he always felt part of the torture. He explained how he sometimes even felt the pain.

It took Steve a while to think up something to say.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"You're not the problem but I don't think you're the solution either"

"My problems seem pretty crap compared to that"

"I still care"

"I won't bother you"

"No go on, I'll listen"

Steve took a deep breath working through the wording in his head.

"Ok well, there's me and this other person. I'm not sure what I want for us but, something. Just something more I think. I don't understand it, it's not me at all and some of it just doesn't seem right"

'Is that why you were acting weird today? At lunch?"

"Yeah I think so. I just don't even know what I want anymore"

"I think I understand"

Steve looked at Connor dubiously, highly doubting that he truly understood.

"How can you?"

"I get it" he said in an unreadable tone, "At lunch, way back at auditions too. I can see"

"What?" Steve didn't know where Connor was going with this.

"Danielle. You and her. You're not making it difficult to guess"

There was an icy silence as Steve stared at Connor in disbelief slowly shaking his head. Connor's supportive smile vanished in confusion at the expression on Steve's face.

"Connor you idiot"

Connor's eyes widened in surprise at the words and his hand on Steve's shoulder stopped moving.

"You think I have something for Danielle? Are you really that stupid?" Steve's voice was rising but more from panic than anger, "Yes I've been acting weird but not for Danielle you complete idiot! It's you!"

Steve stumbled over his breath as he realised what he'd just said. He felt frozen to the bed, wanting to move and escape those piercing blue eyes.

Connor hadn't moved or said anything and the surprise on his face at Steve's outburst was slowly transforming.

Steve felt the gap between them widen and their closeness begin to fade away. What he wasn't expecting was for the space to be bridged by a pair of lips on his own.


	8. Chapter 8

_Dear Steve,_

_This is the first time they've let me write otherwise I would've written much sooner. First of all I'm ok. I'm not great either but I'm surviving. It's not as bad as you'd expect._

_I'd rather be out there with you and believe me I've thought about escape but I'm surrounding by locked doors and high walls._

_I know you'll blame yourself for what happened but please don't. It was just bad luck and Anna didn't know any better. I'd probably have done the same if I was her, she didn't understand, she didn't know the damage she could cause._

_To be honest I'm glad it was her that caught us and not my mom or dad. That would've been worse. At least they didn't see._

_Don't worry about me. I'll be out in no time and then we'll see each other again. You can meet the new me, the me that God is going to love._

_Love Connor_

* * *

Dear Connor,

Of course I'm worried about you. I looked up this Exodus International thing and they're all nuts. There is nothing wrong with you it was all a huge mistake. We were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

School sucks without you here. I actually have to go to lessons now because I can't think of an excuse to skip them. Yesterday I waited half an hour by the gates waiting for you before I remembered you weren't coming.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's worse than when you were in hospital except this time you're absolutely fine.

Everything bad that happens to you always seems to be my fault. I'm so sorry. If I could take your place I could.

Love Steve

* * *

Dear Connor,

It's been over a week. Why haven't you replied? What are they doing to you in there?

If all they're doing is praying you can shut that noise out. Turn it off or something. If they start to hurt you I will kill them.

I don't know if you heard but they recast the play. When they found out you weren't coming back they gave the part away. I know it meant so much to you and I hate how they don't think you'll be out soon. But I know you will.

Love Steve

* * *

_Dear Steve,_

_Sorry I didn't reply sooner. They only give me limited paper and I use most of it to draw on. It's keeping me sane._

_They do more than just pray. I have to go to classes and lectures about how much God loves me and wants to help me change._

_Everyone tries to be hopeful and positive, like it will make a difference. Everything is grey here. The walls, the curtains, the sheets. Even the people._

_I try to shut out the noise. Turn it off? That's a good one I might use that. Anything to escape inside myself._

_It shouldn't be much longer. I feel completely drained of everything I once felt._

_Apparently that's a good sign._

_Love Connor_

* * *

Dear Connor,

I've stopped going to school. My dad hasn't noticed and until someone comes knocking I'm not going back. I got sick of everyone asking me questions.

I pretended not to know anything but I get the feeling they saw through it. This might surprise you but Kevin's been ok to me. He asked if I wanted to talk about you. I don't know if he's the one that's changed or if I'm just seeing things differently.

I just want to know what's going on.

Love Steve

* * *

_Dear Steve,_

_Sorry about the handwriting. I'm having to write this with my left hand. Someone found my drawings. I thought they were well hidden but it turns out nothing is secret in this place. They burnt them. They made me watch._

_It was strange, watching pictures of hell burn in a religious fire. I cried when they started to burn the ones of you but they didn't stop and they held me so I couldn't look away._

_I needed them. I need to be able to see your face. I drew ten more as soon as I was back in my room. I can't forget your face. In this place anything could happen._

_When they found those they took them away and bandaged up my hand so I couldn't draw anymore. Hence the terrible writing. Sorry about that._

_Love Connor_

* * *

Dear Connor,

I'm getting you out. I don't know how but I'm going to do it. I have to. I can't think right now. Kevin called today to ask if I'd heard anything from you. I didn't know what to say so I told him no. Do you think I can trust him?

I just have no idea who to trust anymore. I have this feeling that we're running out of time and I don't know what to do.

I'm so lost. I thought about mom last night for the first time in months. She didn't have much to say, but you know that.

Love Steve

* * *

_Dear Steve,_

_I promised better handwriting this time didn't I? Well I'm really sorry but this letter might be unreadable too. My hands are freezing and completely numb. They told me that spending time in an ice bath would help cure me. They're still unclear about what of._

_They've turned the heating right down in my room and I'm soaking wet. I'm so cold but at least I have the warmth of your letters. They haven't found them yet thank God._

_I don't even know what I'm thanking God for._

_Love Connor_

* * *

Steve watched as his tears fell onto the crumpled paper forming blurs and patches. His silent crying was in contrast to the loud sobs of Connor in a small grey room miles away.

Connor clutched his scratchy regulation pillow close to his chest, his eyes tightly shut trying desperately to remember a happier time. It wasn't long before there were several loud bangs on the locked door and a shout for him to shut up.

He tried to muffle his cries but succeeded only in biting his tongue. He felt wretched, lost and completely alone.

Steve carefully folded the latest letter and added it to the drawer full of Connor's pictures. As he shut the drawer a corner got wedged in the side. He worked it out and stared at the colourful scene before him on the page.

Two young boys splashed in a deep blue ocean close to a desert island. As fresh tears began to fall he quickly moved the precious paper out of their flow.

It wasn't hopeless, he told himself. He would make sure the sun shone again like in the picture one day. He would get Connor out of that place even if it killed him.


	9. Chapter 9

Steve couldn't stay home forever. Connor's time at Exodus International kept extending and he showed no signs of being released anytime soon.

A letter addressed to his father with a school stamp had been found in the mailbox.

"Is this your report Steve?" His father had called to him as he tried to escape up the stairs, eager to avoid all contact if possible.

"Don't worry about it dad, I think it's a school trip form or something" he watched anxiously as his father fumbled with the envelope, "Give it to me" Steve's voice shook.

He reached for the letter but his father had already slid the paper out and was quickly scanning it.

"Steve" he said slowly, "When was the last time you went to school?"

"Yeste-"

"The honest answer"

"About two months ago"

No one spoke to Steve the next day. His fringe, brushed to one side, covered most of the bruise, but he invited no sympathy from anyone. The teachers were fed up with him and he didn't care. He wondered how many of them knew about Connor.

After school he found himself unable to move from the main entrance doorway. There was nothing for him at home and nothing for him here. In fact there was nothing for him anywhere Connor wasn't. Here on the steps was a painful limbo, an empty space.

He sat down and crossed his arms, his hands gripping his upper arms. If anyone saw him in this self hugging position he'd shiver and blame it on the cold. He leant his chin on his knees thinking hard for what to do.

A fast paced hour went by quickly and he didn't see a shadow form in front of him while the owner of the shadow failed to notice him. In the slowly forming darkness he had become a hazard on the steps and someone had tripped and fallen next to him.

"Oh gosh I'm so sorry" the figure apologised quickly. Steve hadn't shifted from his position and realised it was probably him who should be apologising.

"I wasn't looking where I was going and then I...oh..."

The figure had come round to the front of the steps to look Steve in the face. As Steve looked into Kevin's kind brown eyes suddenly filling with hatred and confusion he felt involuntary tears fall.

"Steve? Are you ok?"

Steve wouldn't allow himself to look at Kevin remembering bitterly how Connor never had to ask if he was ok. He just knew.

"I'm fine" he lied in a choked whisper.

He tensed as he felt Kevin sit next to him and put his hand on his shoulder. The last time he'd felt a hand there, it had been Connor's.

He found the gesture comforting all the same and found himself leaning in to Kevin's frame. He smelt like sawdust and makeup. Steve felt oddly irritated because that was Connor's smell, Connor's theatre smell.

"What are you doing here so late?"

"I have nowhere to go. What about you?"

"Rehearsal"

Steve nodded, he should have figured. Having not been at school he'd completely forgotten that Connor's play was still going ahead.

"I should go"

"Where?"

"I don't know"

"My brother's on band camp this week. We have an extra bed"

Steve looked at Kevin's seemingly sincere expression and found himself falling into trust. He knew Kevin was deeply religious, and despite their previous encounters he'd still always play the good samaritan.

"I wouldn't mind, honestly. I'm sure Connor will be fine with it"

"It's not like he can say otherwise"

"He'll be better soon"

"Excuse me?"

"Well it's only flu"

Steve stared at Kevin's face for a long moment before realising he was serious.

"Oh my god you don't know"

Kevin winced at the blasphemy but otherwise looked confused. Steve on the other hand looked like he'd had an epiphany.

"I knew it wasn't right"

"What are you talking about?"

"Connor. No I knew it, it's not right, there is something going on in there something they're not going to let us in on. That is...unless we go poking around. But how can we?"

"Ok, what's wrong with you?"

"Kevin you have to help me"

"What? How?"

"They've taken Connor away and we need to find him"

* * *

'_There's a place for us, a time and place for us_'

Connor had collapsed onto the hard floor after he'd been taken back to his room that day. After his treatment a man had supported him as he stumbled back. When they reached his room the man had stopped at the doorway and Connor had landed on the floor unable to move from exhaustion.

Connor looked up at the man who had helped him only to see him return the look with a sneer of disgust and revulsion.

Connor lay his cheek on the cold surface trying to soothe the pain there. It was smarting from the numerous times he'd been slapped that day.

'_Peace and quiet and open air, wait for us somewhere_'

He could barely hear his own voice as he sang softly to himself. His eyes squeezed tight shut, he desperately thought of Steve's face trying to grasp some fragment of his form that he could hang on to for comfort.

His whole body ached and his muscles stung every time he moved. He tried to shut out the memory of why he was feeling so much pain but the images were vivid in his mind.

"Would you repeat that for me Connor?" A man in a white coat had asked him a hand poised over a clip board.

"Behold, the judgements of God will overtake the wicked; for it is the wicked that stir up the hearts of the children of men. Mormon chapter 4 verse 5."

"Very good Connor. Now tell me this, do you know who he's talking about in this verse?"

Connor shifted uneasily in his chair eyeing the wires nervously and tugging at the restraints.

"Connor?"

"I'm thinking" he said quickly although his mind was blank, scared of what would happen if he gave the wrong answer.

"Connor I don't want to rush you"

"I don't know"

The doctor sighed and gave a sympathetic half smile as he turned to one of the nurses.

"Are you sure?"

"Wait let me think"

The doctor nodded to a nurse who stood by a desk covered in controls.

"W-wait no"

The nurse who's hand was hovered over a dial paused for a second as she looked to the doctor for assistance. The doctor looked to Connor waiting for a response then turned back to the nurse and nodded again.

Connor tensed in sickening anticipation. Everyone in the room turned away as he screamed. The bolt of electricity shot through his body with agony.

"The Lamanites?" He gasped, "Was it the Lamanites?"

His voice suddenly sounded tiny and distant. The nurse looked down at the floor, her heals grinding into the tiles. She looked again to the doctor as her hand moved to the dial once more. He held his hand up to stop her and raised his eyebrows at Connor.

"I can't remember" he strained. The doctor sighed and made a mark on his clipboard and then gestured to the nurse.

"No please!" Connor cried out as the hand moved to the dial. She looked at him, caught his eye and turned the dial.

The shock felt worse the second time and after the torturous waves had passed through he started to yank at the restraints round his wrists. He pulled furiously and futiley.

Tears were streaming down his face and he was desperate to wipe them away, cover them and hide. He didn't want them to see him like this. He didn't want anyone ever to see him like this.

"And whosoever repented of their sins and did confess them he did number among the people of the church"

"Mosiah" he just managed to choke out, "Chapter 26 verse 35"

"Will you repent your sins Connor?"

Connor couldn't answer as the sobs had taken over his voice. His eyes were blurred and he could no longer see where the voices were coming from.

"And those that would not confess their sins were not numbered among the people of the church their names were blotted out. Connor? Connor! Answer me!"

There was no time to think before another bolt ran through him. He was suddenly more terrified now than he had been in his whole time there. Would they blot him out? Would they go so far as kill him?

"Steve! Steve! Steve!" He didn't know where the sudden strength in his voice had come from all he knew was that he had to keep shouting and calling, "STEVE! STEVE! STEVE!"

He was screaming so loud he didn't even have to begin screaming again when the shock waves passed through him again.

"Every one by the word of God! Who Connor who?" The man was shouting too now and Connor finally understood what they were asking of him.

"Me! It's me! I'm disgusting and repulsive and unnatural! God hates me because I have sinned!" The sudden torrent of words left him dry and hollow. His breaths came short and he struggled to catch up after the outburst. He was still weeping heavily and that wasn't making things easier.

"Very good Connor. You're beginning to learn" he turned to an attendant, "You may take him back to his room now"


	10. Chapter 10

The first thing Steve noticed about Kevin's house was that it was very clean. It smelled clinical as if someone had got very excited with a spray of detol.

Everything was organised and every surface was clear of clutter. Steve wasn't sure he could live in such a place, it would turn him insane.

Kevin explained that the smell was his parents. They were dentists and also hygiene freaks which meant disinfectant in every room and never any snacks or treats ever. They used to have them occasionally but now, never, and Kevin wouldn't go into much detail why.

Being with Kevin was a lot different from being with Connor. He assumed it might be similar and he was willing to admit it was the mormon thing. The big family, the strict rules, the general niceness all seemed to fit with his ideas of mormonism but this only scratched the surface. Steve was beginning to discover that a lot was buried underneath this cheery facade.

Being with Kevin was like drowning in an awkward pause. They had nothing whatsoever in common. Steve had tried to be polite to Kevin's parents and had been mostly quiet, waiting until he could get Kevin alone.

Kevin's room was very small and he shared it with his brother. They sat on the separate beds facing each other.

"Can I get you something to drink?"

"Tea would be nice, thanks'

"We don't have tea"

"Coffee then? Oh wait sorry it's the caffeine thing isn't it? I think Connor explained"

"Tell me what happened"

Steve explained to Kevin everything that had gone wrong. As he started he thought he was going to have to hide details but he found them spilling out anyway. He told Kevin about their friendship and showed him some of the paintings Connor had done of the two of them together. He kept the smaller ones on him all the time.

Kevin listened patiently. Steve looked to the floor for most of the story risking a few glances here and there.

When he reached the part about the kiss he paused taking a deep breath. Whatever Kevin felt about the information he hid well. He didn't even blink.

"I think they're hurting him" Steve finished starting to cry, "I don't know what to do"

* * *

Connor opened and closed his eyes but it made no difference. It was still pitch black. He couldn't remember the last time there had been light in his room.

He also didn't know what day it was, or time of day for that matter. He just kept sleeping and waking up in this darkness.

He hummed softly to himself, his voice strained and cracked as he wondered if he was making any noise at all.

It took him several minutes before he noticed a knocking at the door. Even after he'd registered the noise coming from an unknown corner of darkness he was too exhausted to answer.

The door had slammed on him last time he'd been back in his room and the lights turned off. He'd searched in vain for a light switch before realising they would probably have control over his light too.

He'd crawled towards where he remembered his bed was, reaching and stretching desperately before he felt the scratchy material at his fingers. He drew it close around him, curling up into a tight protective ball.

And there Connor had stayed for who knows how long. One night? Two? Three? This place made him forget time.

"Are you ready to let Jesus into your life?" A voice came through the door.

_'I already have'_ Connor thought, _'He didn't stay very long'_

"Will you let him cleanse your soul of its blemish?"

Connor didn't have the strength to answer and the blackness made him feel like he was shrinking in on himself and disappearing altogether. There was silence once more.

"Please don't go" Connor heard a small voice say. It sounded like him. A distorted, shrunken, broken version of himself.

Even the tiniest slit of light through the door made him wince. He covered his eyes with his hand trying to shield them from this intrusion of the two day darkness. A man stood in the doorway, his face in shadow.

On foal like legs Connor made his way towards the light collapsing against the man in his weakness. He clung to the mans waist relishing the touch of another human being, which was what he missed the most.

"It's time for your rehabilitation session. Follow me"

The man began to walk away down the corridor. Without the support Connor fell over straight away. The man looked down at him for a moment debating whether he should shout or yank him up. He settled for grabbing his waist and legs, lifting him up in one fluid movement. Connor held onto the man's neck tightly with both shaking arms. His blinked rapidly trying to get used to the bright fluorescent light.

Before long the man had laid him in a plastic chair and he opened his eyes wide at the scene before him. He was sitting in a circle with five other boys his age and two men holding clip boards.

They were all in a similar state. There were dark circles under their eyes and most of them had their knees drawn close to their chests. The skin around their wrists was red and raw from the restraints the place used. Connor glanced down and noticed for the first time that his were the same. One boy was shivering uncontrollably, whimpering under his breath. Connor felt like copying him, if he'd had the strength to.

"Welcome to your first session of rehabilitation" one of the men said brightly. Despite his cheery tone Connor felt under uncomfortable scrutiny, "Your treatments are all going well and you're on your way to swift recovery. Let's start with you Rowan"

A boy with dark hair looked up from his intense gaze at the floor.

"What have you learnt from being here Rowan?"

"God hates me"

"He doesn't hate you Rowan. He just needs you to change"

"Why?"

"The way you are right now Rowan, is not the way God intended you to be. He is willing you to change Rowan, he wants you to be part of his plan"

"Then why did he make me this way?"

"Things seem hard right now Rowan-"

"Stop using my name. You keep saying my name like you know me. You don't know me. All of you just sit there with your creepy blank faces and your clipboards writing down my feelings. Well I don't have any feelings any more, you've taken them away"

Two men stepped seamlessly from the shadows and with a nod from the man with the clipboard half dragged half carried Rowan out the room.

"I'm afraid you'll have to spend another day in confinement Rowan. I'm sorry it has to be this way"

The boys all watched in silence as Rowan kicked and fought the men's grip, desperately trying to throw off their unbreakable hold.

"Now would anyone else like to share? No? Do I have to pick a volunteer?"

"I'll go" a boy with a voice like foil said.

"Thank you Jacob" the man said with faux enthusiasm, "You've been making excellent progress, so what have you learned this week"

"When I first came here I was wrong and now through the help of Jesus Christ I am right"

"What else have you been thinking Jacob?"

"I prayed really hard for change and it was a long struggle but I'm there now" he swallowed and then looked up at the officials surrounding them, "I want to go home. Please, I just want to go home"

"Are you ready for the outside world yet Jacob?"

"Yes"

"We'll see" the man made a note on his clipboard and turned to look at Connor. Connor felt his insides compress.

"Why don't you share with everyone how you got here Connor?"

"There was um...this guy..."

"Don't be shy Connor tell us all about how he tempted you onto the path of evil"

"I don't think he did. I think it's my fault"

"Well Connor, the first step of earning God's forgiveness is admitting your sins"

"But it all felt so real"

"The devil can deceive easily. You were lucky to escape relatively untainted"

"He wasn't the devil. Steve brought me closer to God and even the hell dreams weren't as bad. I mean I still had them but I was coping"

The remaining boys were eyeing him suspiciously but, Connor not noticing their warning looks carried on.

"I really think I might have...well...loved him..."

He saw Jacob shake his head slowly as the other boys winced but it was too late. The attendants were already flexing their fingers in anticipation.

"Well Connor, if that's the way you feel I'm afraid you will have to spend some more time in confinement"

Breath caught in his throat as two pairs of hands landed firmly on each of his shoulders. "Confinement?" He said in a small voice feeling utterly weak.

He didn't receive an answer and was instead lifted off his feet and dragged through the same door Rowan had disappeared through. The boys avoided eye contact and stared at the floor with as much sympathy on their faces as they dared.

* * *

"Found anything?"

"Nope you?"

"Nothing"

"I feel like I'm trying to access hidden government files or something. This thing's pretty much untraceable" Steve was growing more and more frustrated with every click. They'd been at this for hours and it was pitch black outside. Steve's eyes stung from strain and lack of light.

"We could just ask his parents. They might tell us" Kevin suggested meekly also frustrated at their futile efforts.

"Likely"

"We could pretend we wanted to send money to them or something"

"I'm sure they'd believe you"

"Well what's your plan?"

Steve rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath to steady his mind.

"I don't have one" he exhaled and carried on typing and retyping the same phrase over and over into google.

"Did he leave any hint in the letters?"

"No"

"Maybe if I had a look at them"

"I told you there's nothing"

"But maybe if-"

"I don't want you to see them"

"Ok then" Kevin said slowly turning back to his laptop where he was sifting through an online newspaper archive.

"This place has been shut down twice, but they always find a loophole to get it up and running again"

"But it's a torture chamber. It can't be legal"

"My guess is the church is pumping a lot of money into this thing"

"Your stupid church" Steve muttered under his breath his face darkening as he typed 'Exodus International' again in the blinking google search box.

"I know you're angry but-"

"Well aren't you?"

"Of course I am but we need to work together if we have any chance of helping Connor"

"I'm not so sure, once I find out where they're keeping him I'm going in to get him. If I need to do that by myself I'll make it work"

"You'd get yourself killed. Do you want that on your hands as well?"

"Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry Steve, but don't you even feel the tiniest bit guilty?"

"What?"

"Look what you've done to Connor, look what you're doing to yourself. I'm surprised you haven't had a hell dream yet"

"Do you honestly think I'm not regretting every second of what happened all the time? My mind is constantly replaying that moment and it makes me feel sick. Connor told me about hell dreams and you know what? Me too. I'm surprised I haven't had one. I have enough guilt for five people. Remember Emma Thomas's memorial assembly? I barely knew her name, I'd seen her for a few seconds at most, she wasn't part of my life. I still felt guilty because there was this dead girl that I knew. That was all it took"

There was a silence as they both turned back to their respective searching. Kevin struggled to keep his eyes open as they watered from tiredness.

"Where did you send the letters?"

"What?"

"The letters, how did they get to Connor?"

"I sent them straight to their HQ, their center of operations. I think they sorted them from there. I stopped getting them after a while, and I knew something was wrong, Connor never breaks a promise"

"We could go there"

"No use"

"Why?"

"It's just an office. The correctional facilities are well hidden, it's possible he's not even in the same state any more"

Kevin slammed the keyboard in complete frustration. With a grunt he barely stopped himself throwing the whole system to the floor.

"This is impossible! We've been here for hours and we're not even close. How are we ever meant to find him?"

"I have no idea" Steve was on the verge of tears again but he kept it together. He needed to stay strong. He didn't know where Connor was and he didn't know how to get to him, the whole situation made him feel totally helpless, but he needed to remain in tact to help Connor. It was well into the morning now, and the first rays of sunlight were beginning to rise. They'd got nowhere.

Steve's eyelids fluttered closed as hard as he tried to keep them open and he slumped onto his keyboard breathing softly and calmly. Kevin noticed, but let him sleep.

* * *

"How long have you been here then?"

"I don't know, a month? Two maybe. You?"

"Seven"

"Days?"

"Months"

"Oh"

Connor had stopped shaking for the first time in three days. He was finally in a room that he could see in, he had eaten and most importantly, there was someone in there with him who didn't want to hurt him. And that someone was just like him.

Yes he'd had to faint before anyone had noticed he hadn't eaten for about two days and yes the room they were in had no windows and the door was double bolted with a threatening looking lock. Yet he felt calm.

"Yeah seven months and a few days" Rowan said again. They sat cross legged on the floor opposite each other. The floor was hard but Rowan's hand was soft and Connor gratefully accepted it. They had their fingers on both hands loosely entwined, a small but incredibly meaningful connection.

"I'd lose count"

"I think I have, it's probably more"

"Why are you here?"

"They caught me"

"Same"

"What was his name?"

"Who?"

"The guy"

Connor suddenly panicked inside. For some reason he didn't want to use Steve's name. He wanted to keep the sacred word to himself and not release it into the room.

"Kevin" Connor said the first name that came to his head. The word made him feel uneasy and he instantly wished he hadn't lied and he still couldn't work out why he had in the first place.

"Have you worked out the system yet?"

"What system?"

"The system. The escape route. Your ticket to freedom"

"Does it look like it?"

Rowan smiled and looked up at the ceiling with an unreadable expression on his face. "I've worked it out"

"Then why are you still here?"

"I'm not ready to die"


	11. Chapter 11

"Bingo" Kevin whispered as a satellite view of a large square building came up on the screen. He shook Steve awake.

"I've found it"

Steve mumbled incoherently but became alert at the sight of the information.

"Where is it?"

"About 100 miles south"

"Well let's go" Steve jumped up and grabbed his bag making for the door, "Now Kevin!"

"How are you planning on getting there?"

"I don't know but we have to leave"

"Ok so we get out that door and then what? We walk 100 miles? We don't even know where we're going"

Steve thought for a second, ideas being discarded as quickly as they came.

"My dad has a car"

"Will he mind driving us?"

"I'll drive"

"Do you have a license?"

"Sort of"

"Sort of?"

"Stop asking questions we need to get to Connor before it's too late"

They ran the whole way to Steve's house without pausing for breath. The sudden burst of energy allowed Steve to keep up with Kevin's long legs. Steve was gone less than a minute, in and out the house fumbling quickly and silently for the car keys.

"Get in" Steve commanded Kevin getting into the drivers seat and starting the engine.

"Is this safe?"

"What do you think?"

"It's not going to be much good if we die on the way?"

"Do you think Connor's safe?"

Kevin took the point silently and climbed in. Steve revved the engine and set off. They'd been driving for less than ten minutes when Steve pulled up.

"What are you doing?" Kevin said confused.

"There's something I need to do first. I might not have a chance later"

He leaped out the car slamming the door behind him and ran up to the nearest house. He pressed a thumb to the doorbell and kept it ringing, releasing it as he saw a figure come to the door through the gauze.

"What on earth-?" The door opened and was about to be shut again when Steve put his foot in the door.

"I just want to let you know" he said staring Mr McKinley straight in the eye, "That I will never forgive you for what you've done to by best friend and I will do everything I can to save him and then protect him for the rest of my life"

He took his foot out causing the door to shut giving him an extra second to run to the car where Kevin was waiting.

He didn't know if Mr McKinley was behind him or not but he did know they'd done enough time wasting. He started the engine and didn't look back as he drove off towards the highway.

* * *

"Connor! Wake up! Connor! Oh my God help someone help!"

Rowan shouted against the large metal door but his voice just bounced back and echoed round the small room. He ran back over to Connor who was twisted in his sheets and writhing on the floor. Rowan shook him desperately, trying to waken him.

"Wha-what?" Connor's eyes sprung open and he looked up at Rowan his chest heaving with shallow breaths. He was covered in a sheen of sweat and his eyes were red rimmed.

"Jesus Christ Connor what was that about? You scared me"

"I had a bad dream I'm sorry"

"A bad dream? Some bad dream"

"It was one of those dreams"

"A hell dream?"

Connor nodded turning to face the wall not wanting to look Rowan in the eye.

"I mean I've had the hell dream but..."

They were interrupted by the jangling of keys and the heavy door swung inwards.

"Connor McKinley come with me"

Connor looked between the attendant and Rowan a look of fear on his face. Rowan smiled sympathetically, there wasn't much more to do, and gave Connor a half hug. It wasn't very comforting but Connor appreciated the thought.

He followed the attendant into a bright corridor with plain white walls. He'd been brought this way only yesterday but the blank design was incredibly deceiving and he couldn't remember it.

"Where are we going?" He ventured but the attendant ignored him and kept walking.

After snaking through a maze of corridors and doors with key card access, the attendant left Connor in a room with three chairs. Connor didn't know what he was waiting for or for how long so he took one of the chairs and looked at the door expectantly.

A woman entered this time, carrying yet another clipboard and explained that they were trying a new experiment. At the word Connor flinched but the woman smiled reassuringly.

"Nothing strenuous, we just have some ex patients who would like to talk to you. They once were like you and then they saw the error of their ways and found truth and salvation in the Lord"

Connor relaxed a little but was still nervous. After meetings like these he always felt worthless.

"We're going to leave you alone with them and then ask you some questions afterwards. Feel free to have all the time you need"

She left the room and closed the door behind her. Moments later it opened again to reveal the most beautiful and hopeful sight Connor had ever seen in his life.

Steve ran towards Connor and wrapped him close inside his arms. He squeezed tighter than ever before determined not to let go for a long long time. They both had their faces buried in each others shoulders, to hide the tears but mostly to not show the other they were crying.

Connor pulled back a bit and choked through a laugh. He smiled at Kevin who was leaning awkwardly against the door.

"I missed you" Steve whispered just loud enough for Connor to hear. Connor squeezed tightly back in reply. It was enough.

"We don't have that much time" Kevin said twitching as he looked from the room to the door and back again.

"We have a plan to get you out" Steve said softly to Connor stroking his hair gently. The caring touch overwhelmed Connor and he couldn't stop the tears falling.

"It's gonna be ok"

"Steve" Kevin said urgently.

"Yes ok!" Steve shot him a glare, "We have to be quick"

* * *

"Connor McKinley?" A man called down the line, his pen poised as he took roll call. There was no answer.

"Connor McKinley?"

As if a sudden realisation had come over him, the boy at the end of the line stepped forward.

"Here"

He kept his head down so his sandy hair fell forward shielding his green eyes. And all the while he was smiling.


	12. Chapter 12

Kevin found himself involuntarily staring at Connor, stretched out on the back seat. His hair was longer than when he'd last seen him and it flopped lightly over his closed eyelids.

The car was parked in a small alley about half a mile from the Exodus centre. Kevin had his hands nervously resting on the wheel, feelings of guilt coursing through his fingers making them twitch anxiously.

They'd been there for a day already but Kevin wouldn't sleep yet. Connor had needed to lean on him all the way back and had gratefully fell straight into sleep before Kevin had even finished laying him down. Now they just had to sit there and wait.

* * *

After the roll call, Steve tried to look like he knew what he was doing, growing increasingly worried that he stuck out like a sore thumb. Everyone else seemed to have a purposeful destination. "Connor McKinley?"

Steve relaxed as he heard the name, hopefully someone would show him where to go. He mentally noted the absurd amount of clipboards and that nearly all the attendants carried them.

"You must spend another day in confinement"

"Another?"

The man looked at him sharply and his tone matched his expression. "We can easily make it two"

Steve put his head down and reprimanded himself not to speak again. He was shuffled down a corridor with many doors either side. He couldn't remember how he got into this place and he wondered how many of the doors were ersatz.

He was unceremoniously pushed into a metal doored and heavily bolted room that the real Connor would have recognised as confinement.

He turned quickly in the futile hope that he might be able to hold the door. He didn't know why, it was useless.

"Connor?" A voice behind him said. He tensed choosing his words carefully remembering all the information Connor had told him.

"...Rowan?"

"What's wrong with you?"

Steve didn't want to alarm Rowan by turning suddenly so he continued to talk half over his shoulder.

"Connor's gone"

"What? He's...? Who are you?"

"I came with my friend, that's who Connor's with now. We got him out"

"He escaped? Thank god. I thought you meant...when you said he'd gone..."

"He's safe"

"Who are you? Wait you're his boyfriend aren't you?"

"Not really, I guess, they just caught us together"

"Oh so you're Kevin"

At this Steve did turn round and stared straight into Rowan's eyes. He saw that he was telling the truth.

"Connor said Kevin was his boyfriend?"

"He mentioned him a few times"

"Did he talk about Steve?"

"Who's Steve?"

"I'm Steve"

"Oh"

Steve was beyond confused. The impression he'd got from Kevin was that he was well meaning but very possessive. Was Connor really somehow involved with Kevin? He put the images that appeared far out of his mind. He felt a bit sick.

He thought back to the crucial moment in the room earlier when they'd switched clothes and Kevin had taken Connor's hand to lead him out. He'd been incredibly lucky from then on and he was just waiting for someone to notice something out of place.

Those hands together. Did Connor really want that? Or was he just following Kevin's lead. He needed to act fast, he didn't want them to be alone for long.

"How do we get out?" He said to Rowan who was silently scrutinising him.

"You don't"

"There must be a way"

"Nope" Rowan shook his head, "You wait until someone let's you out"

"When's that?"

"Well I've been here half a year. No one's coming anytime soon"

"I can't wait that long"

"Sometimes kids get out sooner. Like one or two months"

"Ok that's great but I'm working on hours here"

Rowan let out a hollow laugh that made Steve uneasy.

"I think you could do it in that time, you know, with a rope"

"Fuck!" Steve shouted suddenly banging his fists on the door, flinging himself at it with violence.

"We've all tried that" Rowan smirked.

"Shut up" Steve wiped his forehead calming down enough to scan the room for anything he could use. Rowan shrugged and sat cross legged on the floor. He took a pack of cards out his pocket and laid out a game of solitaire.

"So when do they let us out of here?"

"Tomorrow"

Steve sat on the bed and gripped the mattress with both hands. He breathed heavily trying to disperse the panic that was setting in.

"Would cards calm you down?" Rowan said gently flipping over the pack.

"I'm claustrophobic"

"So would you like to play cards?"

"No of course I don't want to play cards"

"Your loss. It's really not that bad, you don't have to play up the whole woe is me thing"

"Not that bad? No one's ever loved me before in my entire life and for once I thought someone did. I really thought this meant something and I can't believe I was so stupid. And now I'm just trapped"

"They let us out tomorrow I told you"

"That's not what I was talking about"

"Why do you need to get out so quickly?"

"For Connor, I promised"

"For Connor?"

"That's what I said"

Rowan put his cards down and looked at Steve thoughtfully. He stood up slowly and joined him on the bed.

"I'll help you, for Connor. But just for Connor. Remember to mention that when you tell him what happened"

Rowan shoved Steve off the bed gathering the sheets and twisting them from both ends.

"What are you doing?"

Rowan didn't answer but looped one end of the sheets through the electrical piping that ran to the flickering yellow light above them. He used a slip knot to secure it and then tugged to check for security.

"What are you doing?" Steve repeated this time more urgently.

"Buying you time" he held on to the sheets taking his feet off the ground to test the weight, "And remember don't look back"

"Wait what-"

* * *

Connor's eyes fluttered open at the start of the engine and the slow rumblings of the old car.

He looked up at the windows and saw a tree line moving past. With effort he sat up.

Kevin saw Connor shift and began to accelerate. "Hi" he smiled in the rearview mirror, "Nice sleep?"

"I was asleep?"

"Yeah"

"But I didn't have a nightmare"

"Why would you?"

The thought led him to look at the empty seat next to Kevin.

"Where's Steve?"

Kevin didn't answer.

"Kevin? Where's Steve?"

"We had to leave"

"What?"

"I'm sorry Connor it was too dangerous, he could have been days in there"

"You left him behind?" Connor's voice raised in a panic, "Stop the car!"

"I can't do that Connor"

"Kevin!" Connor was shouting now, on the borderline of tears.

"Turn around! We need to go back for him!" Kevin took a deep breath but carried on driving resolute. Connor was a dangerous mix of angry and hysterical and so he did the only thing he could think of and grabbed the wheel.

"Connor!" Kevin shouted struggling to keep control of the swerving car, "Fine fine! We'll go back just stop!"

Kevin turned the car in the road and began to travel back in the direction they came in. They hadn't got far and soon the ominous square building was in sight.

They both jumped as something flung itself against the passenger door, a loud slam accompanying it. The figure came round to Kevin's side and opened the door.

"Move" it commanded.

"Steve!" Connor cried out the relief evident in his voice. Steve didn't make any sign of acknowledgement but waited for Kevin to move over to the passenger seat.

"I was so worried, but I knew you'd be ok. But still, I just I'm so glad you're ok" he reached round the seat to bring Steve into a hug but Steve shook him off.

"How did you do it?" Kevin asked quietly but he too was ignored.

"There was this guy in there" Connor said, "His name was Rowan. Did you see him? Is he ok?"

"I think he might be dead" Steve said in a dead pan voice as he began to drive away, "You know I thought I had a pretty shitty life but being in there for less than a day I realise that it's not so bad"

Kevin eyed him suspiciously and then turned to Connor who returned his confusion.

"What happened?"

"Well he told me to tell you he did it for you" Steve stared straight ahead, "'For Connor' he said before he..."

Connor searched for something to say but found only familiar tears in his eyes once more.

"But why?"

"It was a good distraction"

"Did you try to stop him?"

"I could've tried harder. It was his idea, he was pretty set, pretty calm. They got him down, I heard them say it as I was leaving. I don't know anymore than that"

"So he might be..."

"I don't know"

Connor's face was now a stream of tears and an overwhelming sense of everything that had happened over the past few months flooded into him and he openly wept. Steve just felt numb, disgustingly cold. He wished he had something to feel, but nothing came.

"Maybe I should drive" Kevin suggested.

"Please give me just this Kevin" Steve replied, "Please don't take anything else away from me"


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: I just wanted to stay thanks so much for sticking with me and reading and reviewing. It's been quite a ride!**

Steve would never be able to understand why Connor forgave his parents. Granted it hadn't been an easy decision for him to make but nonetheless Steve had been shocked at how easily Connor had managed to return to the house that had rejected him.

After several inconclusive visits from social services, Mr and Mrs McKinley had become lax if not indifferent to their son. Connor didn't mind. With less than a year until he set off on his mission he had no desire to rekindle any sense of what he once had with his parents.

Steve was a different matter. He'd stopped walking Connor home, stopped waiting for him outside english, stopped sitting with him at lunch. Steve barely ate anyway now.

He was more than just angry and jealous at Kevin taking Connor away from him. He was disgusted with himself for letting him go. In Steve's mind, there was nothing that Connor could tell him that would explain what happened. It was all buried deep in excuses and time by this point.

It was natural for Connor to gravitate towards Kevin as a result of this rejection. But all Steve saw was Connor vanishing further and further away.

Steve didn't see any point in not being amiable to Kevin. Soon he'd be rid of both of them and he'd be able to carry on with his life. He dreaded to think what that meant.

The school year dragged slower than ever and Steve found himself blindly passing through his daily routines and numbly carrying out tasks.

Steve had no plans for his life. He wasn't creative like Connor and he wasn't smart like Kevin, he wasn't athletic or attractive or talented at really anything. In fifth grade he'd seen Connor McKinley as annoying and not worth his time. Now he was stuck in a paradox of both wanting Connor and pushing him away.

By himself Steve Blade was no one and all alone Connor McKinley was lost. They both desperately needed each other but neither of them was able to see it.

Steve still kept Connor's drawings and pictures stuffed away in the draw by his bed. He tried to look at them a few times but found himself crying.

Soon, without warning, their final year came to an end, the summer came and went, and Connor was due to leave on his mission in a week.

It took a lot of courage for Steve to speak to Connor again. He'd spent the whole summer at the missionary training centre but he was back for the last few days gathering his things and saying his goodbyes.

Steve knew what the commitment of a mission meant and he also knew that within a few days Connor might be lost forever and he was determined to do something about it.

The last time he'd rung the McKinley household's doorbell had been a year ago. It had been to tell Mrs McKinley to tell her son that a boy named Rowan had written to him. He told her to say that he was fine and was now living with a foster family in Idaho. He said he was happy. Since then Steve hadn't had a reason to go back.

As the last peal of the bell finished echoing round the house, Steve was tempted to run but his feet remained firmly rooted in the doormat. He looked at the now peeling sticker above the doorbell that read 'Jesus loves you'. Over the years he had watched its progress from shine to dilapidation.

When the door opened Steve couldn't tell if he wanted to slam it first or if Connor would get there before him. The moment was tense. They stared at each other in a mix of disbelief and longing. It was Connor who spoke first.

"We should talk"

"It's a bit late for that"

Connor shuffled his feet on the carpet avoiding Steve's gaze.

"We could try"

"Yeah we could"

Connor joined Steve on the step and shut the door behind him. Such closeness a few years ago would have warranted touch. Now it just felt awkward and detached.

Connor sat down on the step and Steve silently joined him. There was something missing already and they both knew it was something they'd once had and lost.

"I'm leaving in a few days"

"I know"

"I'll be gone a long time"

"I'll miss you"

"Will you?"

Steve then realised how ridiculous the statement had been. They hadn't spoken in a very long time. In any case Steve already missed Connor, the sentiment was already present.

"Where are you going?"

"Uganda"

So Connor would be miles and miles away. So far that there wasn't even the vaguest hope that they could meet even by chance.

"It's an underfilled mission, there's space for more missionaries to come"

"I've told you already, I'm not converting" Steve's almost joke made Connor smile just a little.

"I've been made district leader"

"Is that good?"

"Well I was surprised. I'm not really leader material"

"Yes you are"

"I've never led or guided anyone anywhere in my life"

"That's a lie" Steve looked up at Connor their eyes meeting in a familiar but dusty glance, "And you know it"

"I have to uh pack and stuff" Connor said awkwardly beginning to stand. He knew what Steve meant and he didn't agree. He was firm in the belief that it was the other way round. And in a way perhaps they were both right.

Steve didn't say anything to stop Connor going back inside. He waited on the steps for a while before deciding to head home. If he'd known it was the last time he'd see Connor for two years he might have found something else to say. Maybe.

On the eve of Connor's departure Steve found himself sitting on the end of his bed with a well handled piece of paper in his hands. The seven year old painting could have been in better condition but Steve was as proud of it as he was on the day Connor had given it to him.

The blue of the sea was fading, the sky dull. The outline of the desert island was wearing away and the two swimming figures unrecognisable as Connor and Steve anymore. But he knew and that was enough. He held it close to him as he thought back on his patchy school life. He tried to imagine what his life might have been like without Connor and he found it impossible. It would be too empty, almost like he'd never existed.

His thoughts of how one of the happiest and turbulent times of his life had come to an end he fell into sleep. These thoughts dissipated as he slipped deeper and deeper in dreams and he found himself drifting into a realm he did not belong in...

He saw through the haze Connor walking towards him. Despite the torturous heat he folded Connor into him and held him tight. A red glow lit up their faces and Steve was beginning to sweat uncomfortably but he was determined to stay as close as possible forever.

"I was hoping to never see you here" Connor said eventually.

"Where are we?"

"I come here every night"

"Oh. It's not as bad as I thought it would be"

"It's usually worse, but usually you're not here"

"Why am I here?"

"I don't think you really are. I don't think I'm really here either. At least not in your dream anyway"

"I don't understand"

"I think you expect me to be here so you're dreaming about being here too"

"I guess that makes sense"

"There's something you need to say and it's too late to tell the real me so this will have to do"

Connor was still in the crook of Steve's shoulder and he hadn't seen his face yet. There was so much Steve needed to say to Connor. So much he hadn't said and so much he'd said wrong. And now Connor was going off on his mission and he'd missed his chance and whatever he told this Connor wasn't real. He could say what he needed to say but what would it really mean?

Still Steve realised the importance of saying some certain words that he should have said a long time ago. So for whatever it was worth Steve drew back from Connor so he could look him in the eye. Clinging on tightly never wishing to let go his voice was clear.

"Connor, I love you"

And never had Steve spoken a truer word in his life.


End file.
